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Sunday, February 28, 2010

Not Trying To Hurt Your Feelings Or Anything, But Really..

All of my life I have heard people spouting these pointless little platitudes, hell, I've been guilty of doing it myself. During a conversation with a good friend earlier today we were mocking one such old saying and afterwards I couldn't help but spend some time thinking about the ignorance behind so many of them. Fundamentally breaking them down in my weakened mental state. So, here we go.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Okay, clearly this is meant as a warning to us that we shouldn't want what others have since just because we think what is over there is better doesn't make it so. Hey, dumbshits who still use this saying, we don't want their fucking grass. Well, I should rephrase, most of us don't covet anyone else's grass and if it's grass someone covets, they probably want it already dried and weighed. So, this saying is outdated, at best. Second, if your life is so shitty that you're sitting around envying someone elses proverbial grass, then yeah, their fucking grass probably is greener, so get off your ass and fertilize your own grass, for fuck's sake people, how long do you have to read this blog to realize Wickedness only comes when you stop feeling sorry for yourself and MAKE things happen. *dramatic sigh* Moving on.



Be careful what you wish for or you might get it. So, just to be clear on this, don't wish for herpes or you just might get it. Are we clear on that? Good. Seriously though. What.The.Fuck. I mean, who sits around wishing for something so detrimental that the minute they get it they go, "Whoa, this isn't what I signed up for, no, no, take it back please"? I have yet to meet that person. In general, the people I meet who made their wishes come true feel a sense of pride and fulfillment. Call me crazy, but I think this saying is bullshit.



Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That sounds like a great idea. After all, we all want to be closely surrounded by people we know dislike us, right? Ill will and discord abound constantly. What better way to live our lives? How about we go with "keep your friends close and forget your enemies exist"? Yes, I like that much better. What the hell is an enemy anyway, don't those only exist in spy movies??!!



A watched pot never boils. Maybe this saying was made up before the existence of basic physics?? Whatever the case may be, let's try to decipher what the basic idea is behind the saying. I am working with it as, leave things be and they will develop as they should, but if you sit over them and fuss, you interfering will stop the natural progression. Yes? (I am seeing in my fuzzy little brain a collection of nodding heads) Right, so, here's the thing, the fucking pot is going to boil whether you watch or not, if something is meant to happen, it will happen whether you are there or not. Don't believe me, go boil some fucking water. Don't move, stare at that bitch the whole time, guess what? It's going to boil anyway!



Money can't buy happiness. Stop shopping at Walmart. Because one trip to Tiffany's will so change your mind. Bloomingdales makes my heart sing. Just seeing Jimmy Choo's updated seasonal info in my inbox makes me giggle. Trust me, it may not be love, but money can so buy happy!! You simply haven't been shopping in the right places.

I want to let you know that starting this Wednesday I will be doing Wicked Fun Wednesdays!! Submit a Wicked good question through the formspringme box in the right column, I will select 10 questions for the Wednesday post. I promise to make the answers worth coming to see. ;-) You just have to make them worthy of me choosing. Hope you are up to the challenge my Wicked readers.

13 comments:

Phoenixism. said...

Love it Shawn, breaking down the barriers of bullshit that abound in Nice society :)

You know which one has always bothered me? When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

WTF?
Maybe sometimes you should just get a firm little grip of that lemon and pitch back a fastball right at that bastard life who handed it to you.

Wicked Pen said...

the best saying about grass i ever heard was...
**girl-i was thinking about hopping the fence (a.k.a. switching teams, going gay...whatever)
**man-either side you're on, you gotta mow the grass.

i laughed at that one for a minute. so anyone who thinks someone else's proverbial grass is greener... hey stupid, you still gotta maintain that shit.

-i've wished for a lot of shit, don't think i ever got much of it. damn lottery.

-who watches a pot?

-if you are worried about keeping your enemies close, you are spending too much time letting them disrupt your life. move along stupid.

-money... ah money. the root of all evil. how i love thee. people really must start figuring out where to shop. i know where to shop to buy the happiness, just can't afford it. :-)

so basically, i concur.


-pen

Wicked Shawn said...

Cold Shower- OMJ, yes! How did I forget the old lemon bullshit! Clearly it was the head injury, I hate that one too. When is the last time life "handed" you a lemon anyway? At best, it probably pelted you with a grove full of the little yellow fuckers. Even then, stuff them in a sock and mount a counter attack.

Pen- Yes, always maintain the grass!!
Thanks for calling to check on me and inspiring this post!!

Eternally Distracted said...

Jimmy Choo is in my town at the moment :0)

And I am adding you to my blog list - it annoys me when i miss your posts ;)

pattypunker said...

love it! this reminds me of "when one door closes, another one opens." really? i don't want some external force kicking my ass to the curb and then doing the come hither thing with its supernatural finger. i prefer to make my own shit happen. ever heard of free will?

and money can buy me a rad pair penny loves kenny boots, so yeah happiness!!!!!!!

Elly Lou said...

I say when life hands you lemons, cut 'em into little wedges for your cocktails.

My favorite? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. My ass. (Well my ass might kill you AND make you stronger but that's a different comment all together.)

Moooooog35 said...

You forgot:

"Watch where you're sticking that thing."

I don't think I fully understood this post.

Jaime said...

OHHHHH yeah. Money can too buy happiness. Interesting you bring this up. The other day I was watching a program about happiness and they proved that people with money are happier. They also proved that people with kids are NOT happier than people without. I knew it i knew it I knew it!
But hell yeah for money. I'm all about it.

Miss Spoken said...

Isn't the grass always greener over the septic tank?

A Mother's Thoughts said...

Did I ever start laughing when I read the enemy part.....in movies! Your right actually. It kinda makes you want to creep around saying, "I want to find them and elliminate them." RIGHT..

Great article. I enjoy your swearing... it makes it that much better!

Lynn

Wicked Shawn said...

ED- Do kiss The Divine Mr Choo for me, if you happen upon him. What??!! You hadn't already added me??? Gah!!

Patty- When one door closes, Stop right there! If a door closed, you damn well better believe it's because I slammed it, bitches!!! As for the one that's opening, I'm kicking it down!!

Elly- From lemons to your ass......well, I will take things that pucker for a $1000 Alex.

Moooooog- It's all fun and games until somebody puts an eye out!

Then it's fucking hi-lar-ious!! No, I'm pretty sure you got it. :-)

Jaime- Can you please forward me the name of that show, I would like to make my kids watch that the next time they ask me why I seem unhappy? bwahahahaha

Spoken- So that is the grass that must be maintained the most often, right?

Lynn- I am pretty sure enemies really are reserved for teens and movies.

secret agent woman said...

I did a post once with my fury over the "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" BS line. I like the pairs of sayings that are in direct opposition, like "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" & "when the cat's away, the mice will play." So what does time away do p strengthen your love or make you cheat? Or "birds of feather flock together" & "opposites attract."

Ry Sal said...

how about... "Hi POT, it's KETTLE, you're BLACK". and I mean that in a complete and total narcissistic tone.