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Monday, March 1, 2010

Chasing and Torturing the Elusive V........

No, we aren't talking about virgins here. That's right, it's vagina talk. Men chase them because they need them. Women chase the perfection of them. So, let's dish about it all. Oh goody, you say, hell yeah, me too. Grab a glass of wine and let's give it a go.

So, first off, let's begin with the compunction we women have to beautify that rarest of natural beauties. Oh yes, you know what I'm saying. We shave, wax, depilatize, bedazzle, dye, rejuvenate, the list is endless. The question really is why? When is the last time a guy came back to your place, finally made it to the Magic V-dom and stopped mid-seam, only to announce that you weren't groomed quite to his liking? Then exited stage left. Seriously ladies. Don't get me wrong, I am as Vagina Vain as the next girrrl, but why, I just am not sure. It occurs to me that maybe, just maybe our vaginal vanity has gotten a tad bit out of hand. (oh yeah, I totally went there)

Now clearly, if when the panties come off, the Guns N Roses classic Welcome to the Jungle can be heard in the background, you may lose some Diners Club points, but short of that, most guys are game. Just sayin, it may be time for us to actually listen to our male counterparts on this one. What I hear from my boys over and over again is they simply want it neat enough to get to with ease.

As for rejuvenation, can't really say, haven't done it, haven't considered it, but, uh, really, if that's your thing and you got the money...it's your vagina baby. Dyeing the lips so they appear to have regained their youthful glow??!! Really? When do they lose it? How do they lose it? Who knew? Use some lipstick and keep rolling.
By the way, how fucking funny would that be?? I suggest Chanel Pink Pout!! He will look lovely when he is finished. ;-)

Now for you guys and your pursuit of our magical Vaginas! You love them, yet we torture them because, somehow, we don't believe they are worthy of this adoration. Symbolic of so many things. But, pursue them you do and let us not mince words, it is the vaginas you chase. Oh sure, occasionally you realize the vagina is attached to an intelligent, interesting woman, but more often than not, it's the vagina you see first. Or the breasts that indicate there is a vagina below. Do you consider the shape of foliage surrounding the vagina before you begin the pursuit? Do you case the vagina like a liquor store, attempting to uncover signs of potential glitter and bejeweled magnificence? Is it possible you check the pout of the round thing standing about 8" above those beautiful vagina indicators for a color indication of the vagina? Nah, I didn't think so. You just want the vagina.

On a good night, maybe you want the round thing on top of the vagina indicators to be capable of making passable conversation. Depending on how late it is and how many drinks you've had already. More oft than not, you're just hoping the vagina is unattached and willing to come home with you or willing to allow you to come home with it. Let's face it, you're probably pretty easy. As it stands(oh yes, that was a total fucking pun, and a good one, too bitches) you leave your house most nights with a 40% at best, shot at scoring the vagina, so rejuvenated or not, your jumping at it, given the chance.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I suggest we all relax about the Beautiful Vagina, stop chasing and torturing, let the Vagina rest for a day or two. Let her breathe. (I know this is going to kill Elly) That is why I am declaring March 3rd Wicked No Panty Day!! Enjoy!!

BTW, don't forget to formspringme a question in time for the Wednesday Q&A post ;-)


Pennypenpen said...

now what will i do with my bedazzler?




Phoenixism said...

I'll tell you this, my appreciation of the vagina has very little to do with its aesthetic appeal. If that was the case I'd still be a virgin. Only one thing would kill my "drive" so to speak...odor. I've only encountered that a couple of times, in all fairness. I'm also not fond of the overgrown rain forest look. I don't require bald but at least a decent trim. Even that won't prevent me from embarking on a jungle expedition, however.

Do you have a name for yours, Shawn?

Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life said...

I just assume the way the eyebrows look = the way the hair around the vagina looks.

As long as I don't see purple crayon eyebrows...

And if wifey ever did that stupid vajazzle thing she'll need a visit to her GYN doc to remove glitter from her cervix. Just seems unsafe lol.

Anonymous said...

the bit about losing diners' club points when the theme to welcome to the jungle plays was hilarious!

and since when did we start dying our lips? that's messed up.

what's next - fake engorging?

Paul said...

Let vagina rest for a day? Vagina hasn't spoken to me in years!

bonanza jellybean said...

I want a vajazzler!!!

Steph said...

OK seriously? I have heard of bleaching the backdoor but dying your lips? Who does these things?

By the way - I spoke to a 35 year old woman the other day that had NEVER heard of a brazilian wax. She didn't know what it was. How is that possible? I'm all for giving Ms. Vagina a break, but there really should be a LITTLE grooming...

lagunatic said...

These days I'm lucky if I groom my hair never mind my down there.

I think Brazilians are passe - the new thing in labial hair is braids.
I started the trend - wanna see?

Elly Lou said...

1 I like panties. My vag likes being lint and thread free.

2 I asked my little bro if he'd ever seen an ugly vag. His response? "The joy of the vagina isn't so much in the looking."

3 I'm still not waxing that shit. The end.

4 VAGINA!!!!

A Mother's Thoughts said...

Wow,a whole article about the vagina! I enjoyed your article. I agree though, sometimes it's a bit much!


Wicked Shawn said...

Pen- Balldazzling, thing of the future, be prepared ;-)

Cold Shower- If you want an answer to that question, take it to formspring, baby! :-)

Athol- Now that brings up on interesting observation. Ladies? Well groomed brows=well groomed vagina??

Patty- Honestly, sometimes, when I come up with a line, I secretly do my little dance, that was so one of them. *fist bump*

Paul- :-(

Bonanza- Your on my list of vajazzlers for the holidays!!

Steph- OMJ, how can you not have at least heard of a Brazilian at age 35? Wow. Has she heard the song Welcome to the Jungle? *giggle*

Lagunatic- I hear Bob Marley singing in the background

Elly- Your brother cracks me up, and there is lint and thread in panties too, ya'knw. Just sayin!
Can't vajazzle without vawaxin.

Lynn- thought the vagina deserved the spotlight. (now starring, instead of a supporting role, dontcha know) And yes, it can be ridiculous, but to each their own. I don't like the idea of someone feeling they aren't okay if their vagina isn't a certain color, but if they want to turn it purple to match their outfit, then hey, more power to them. Ummm, did I really just say that????