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Monday, February 1, 2010

Wicked List of Good and Not So Good Ideas

I love lists. I make lists all the time. There are lists all over my house. Why are they just scattered about, you ask? Because I never remember to take them with me. So, this is a list I will always remember, because it will be right here. Not to mention, I have no doubt sometime this summer I will run into Drew at the ball park and he will say "Good idea about the stripper pole" and I will immediately think, "Oh yeah, the list!", I also love moments of clarity. :)

So, this is a list, for those of you who missed the giant fucking title at the top, of good and not so good ideas, I will lay these out for you, present, as briefly as possible, my reasoning behind the thoughts, then I encourage you all to add one of your own.

Good Idea Stripper Pole in the bedroom- This is a great idea, practice for if you ever get divorced and one of you needs to supplement your income, good pre-game warmup, great for cardio if you hate the gym, can also be used in role playing if you're into being the "kidnapper or kidnapped" . Don't judge me people, I'm just giving you tips here, damn!

Not So Good Idea Stripper Pole in the living room- This could create very uncomfortable situations. Christmas parties with your grandparents, depending on your grandparents, could be one such situation. Kids tying babysitter to the stripper pole is not ideal role playing situation. Pole dancing in the living room is very sexy, until someone starts to A)ask why there is a plastic cover on the sofa B)notice the odd stains all over the sofa

Good Idea Sex Toys of various kinds- Single or married, male or female, everyone should have some toys. Just the word toy makes you smile. You're smiling now, right? It's ok, no harm done. Toys are fun, toys are good. Variety. Spice. Who doesn't like an extra battery cable jolt every now and then?

Not So Good Idea Sex Toys in a house that has kids in it kept in anything short of a lockbox with a "Hellraiser" style puzzle to get it open. Okay, we all searched our parent's room as kids. We all found things we wish like hell we had never seen. Let us be kind and spare our kids the freaky shit we are doing, which, I must say, I have far surpassed my parents, tyvm! Stop and think for one minute, how much quicker they mature now. How much younger do you think they are now when they start raiding the bedrooms for whatever?? Just sayin'.

Good Idea Watching porn together, or if you're single, alone. Porn is fine and harmless in proper doses.(note: proper doses for men seems to fall somewhere between 1 and 100 times per week, depending on job and marital status) It's great when it's a shared experience. I've got no problem with people who don't want to watch it, but every now and then it is fun to curl up next to my guy and watch some sex. What can I say? I'm just like that.

Not So Good Idea Making popcorn and expecting a plot line for your porn. Well, actually, I guess you could strategically place the popcorn in a trail leading to...nah, skip the popcorn. As for the plot line, here it is, they fuck, every time, a whole lot, in a bunch of different positions, almost always involves at least one scene with 2 girls and 1 guy, sometimes you hit the porn jackpot and find one with 2 guys and 1 girl, if so, buy that one, email me and I will give you my address. :) Anyway, porn isn't supposed to have a plot, so don't ruin it for yourself or the rest of us.

Good Idea Sexual Exploration- Be that whatever it means to you. Exploring your own body, your partner's, a book, a magazine, a video or a stranger. The act of sexual exploration can involve many accouterments (yes, fuck you, it is my word for the weekend) or none at all. Toys, food, massage oils, edible body paints, music, blindfolds, etc. Find what you like, then continue to explore some more.

Not So Good Idea Sexual Intimidation- Don't be afraid of your sexuality, it won't bite you.

That's my list. Be warned, it is merely the first. there will be more. I think the next list will be......The Varying Degrees of Stupid and How to Identify Them :)


Jaime Teele said...

Your fake orgasm comment just about killed me. I almost lost my shit right here in the middle of the office. You make such a point.

Good Idea: finding a girl who enjoys your company just the way you are, even if you are a fucking weirdo.

Not so good idea: $7000 dollar doll who could potentially kill you if you drop her in water. Not worth the fake orgasm.

Organic Meatbag said...

Whaaaaa? I DO expect plot and continuity in my porn, and I usually get it...lonely bored housewife invites burly strapping handyman over...she offers lemonade, her tits fall out of her loose blouse, he pops chub in his jeans, and the shit is on...that is captivating, no? Hehehehee

Wicked Shawn said...

Jaime- OMG, now you have my body shivering (lmao) in anticipation of the news stories of those death by sex doll stories!!!!!

Meatbag- Ummm, to each their own, my idea of a plot line and yours are a wee bit different doll

Wicked Pen said...

do you know who i can call to get a stripper pole uninstalled?


Paul said...

Stripper pole in the living room is a must! It doubles as a way to keep the kids entertained. Just make sure not to lube it when you know you have guest coming over. That never works out right. If the grandparents come over and see that, if they think otherwise.. shame on them =P