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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Wicked Girls.......Need to Laugh Sometimes

My life is in the toilet right now. Not like I'm having a bad day, kind of way. I am talking crawl in bed, self medicate and no one would blame me kind of shit here. But, hey, I'm the self proclaimed Wicked Girl, so that sort of stuff just won't fly for me. Instead, I did the next best thing. I went to textsfromlastnight.com and laughed until my stomach hurt. Then I called a friend who lives in Utah and we made fun of the LDS people. BTW, if you are LDS and I am about to offend you, uhh, get over it, ya'll do some weird fuckin' stuff!!!

First up, a couple of juicy little nuggets from texts. One of my most hated giant retailers in the world is Walmart. I have a Walmart allergy. I have friends who call and ask me if I want to go to Walmart with them, just so they can hear me sneeze. So my favorite text today read as follows:

516: I just saw a grown man in Walmart wearing high heels and lipstick carrying a baby

1-516: What the hell were you doing in Walmart?

See, I appreciate this because were I to have sent the first text to anyone who knows me, a grown man in high heels and lipstick carrying an infant would not shock them nearly as much as me carrying my happy ass inside the doors of a Walmart while sober enough to recognize that it was, indeed a man I had just seen.



Next on my list today:

407: sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch

This made me die laughing, sober me has hidden things before, but drunk me is always so much craftier!!!! This text was clearly sent by a child at the art of drinking!!


Tonight's Top:

206: I fucking love fucking science majors-she told me she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

Ok, calm down honey, some girls like giving head. Maybe Ms. Science Major is using you as much as you are using her. Win/Win. Or, maybe she is the next great sex scientist. Whatevs. I especcially loved this because I used to tease all the time about different "experiments" we could do while having sex. I just thought that was great.


Now for making fun of the LDS peeps. My friend lives in Lehi, UT. She is not a Mormon (for those of you who were wondering what the hell LDS meant, sorry, its what they now call themselves so people don't laugh and go, "oh, how many wives do you have?"). Anyway, tonight we were chatting and she says that she is having trouble selling her house because they removed the food storage units from the basement. Ummmm, what? is my immediate person who lives in a fairly normal state response. Then she explains. It seems in the case of a terrorist attack, alien invasion, earthquake that cracks the entire US, polar freeze, you get the idea, the good citizens of Lehi have prepared themselves with a plan. Their basements are stocked with grocery store like units of food, first aid kits, barrels of water, numerous generators, tents, cots, extra beds, the list goes on. I was at first stunned, then I fell out in a fit of laughter. She was laughing too. But alas, it got better.

Seems just before the winter set in, their neighborhood (they actually call it a ward) leadership council person came to them and dropped off an emergency packet. Inside the packet were various forms. One form was a list of all of your emergency supplies, including your bulk foods and the certification classes you had taken to qualify you for survival in emergency situations. Then there was the list of available classes.

Now, we have something new we must do when I come to shake things up in the sleepy little town of Lehi, UT and visit my dear friend. We are going to enroll in the "How to Prepare Fun Meals and Properly Rotate Your Bulk Survival Storage Food Stuffs" class. Oh Hell to the Yeah!!!

Another thing in the packet was a blank list with the header Valuable Items In Our Home. It had particulars, such as cars, boats, 4-wheelers, snowmobiles, RV's, computers, safe locations and then just miscellaneous. WTF???!!! She went to her husband and said she wasn't filling that shit out just so these asshats would have a list knowing everything they had and a map of how to steal it if it got in the wrong hands. Her husbands response was, whatever, they're just LDS, they're harmless. LMAO, apparently being of a certain religious belief guarantees you not to be a criminal. Ummmmmmm, not so much.

It also came fully equipped with flags for when the emergency situation arrives. Agreen one for the "We are fine". A yellow one for "We are okay, but getting low on supplies" and then, before she could finish, I said, "Let me guess,a Wile Coyote one, holding up a We're Fucked flag?". She finally started laughing.

Seems we all have our bad days. We all need someone to make us laugh and remind us it could be worse. Friends and the internet are great distractions. But in the end, we choose to make the call, do wallow or do we take that first step?

My Wicked advice for the night, always get off your lumpy ass and make that first step, it is worth it!!!

9 comments:

Eternally Distracted said...

Hilarious that you managed to get blowjobs, mormons and walmart all in the same post... I need to head me off to that text place!

Elly Lou said...

Oh ED, if sock puppet fisting traumatizes you, TFLN will break you in two.

Sounds like those Mormons know how to party. I hope today is filled with mojitos and massages for you, Wicked Shawn.

Paul Wynn said...

LOL, Mormons do know how to party, even group sex is part of the religion. The people who shop at Walmart wow , for some reason thats a different entity.

Laurel said...

Oh my God...you are hilarious. I will be back for a good laugh whenever I am in the tank :)and when I need me some wicked.
You rock girlie:)

Wicked Shawn said...

Oh dear, ED, I think the Mormon wives put blowjobs in virtually everything but Walmart, lots of competition there, don't ya know. ;)

Elly- No Mojitas and massages yet, but def a better day. All about the outlook, plus I am dogsitting and big dogs make me smile!!!

Paul- Group sex is good, now maybe if they would allow videos of group sex in Walmarts, I would overcome my allergy. LOL

Laurel- Thank tou very much and welcome to my Wicked world, plez don't wait until you need it, come to avoid needing it!!!

Wicked Pen said...

i got nothin. awesome.
:-)
-pen

Phoenixism said...

OK if the Baptists are just scary, the LDS are freaks.

I don't know details but I had a good friend years ago who was heavily into religion, of all sorts. He told me one of the components of Mormonism was that we came from another planet? I'm paraphrasing and I could be wayyyy off.

Also, have you heard of "Mormon underwear?"

Check it out on Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_garment:

"In the 19th century, the temple garment was a one-piece undergarment extending to the ankles and the wrists, resembling a union suit, with an open crotch and a collar."

Open crotch is important if you are going to maintain 12 wives and 37 children.

Wicked Shawn said...

Pen- Good to know I'm still feeding your habit :)

Cold Shower-I had heard about the ceremony mentioned in the wiki description, during which they are given their freaky undergarb, but not the article of clothing itself, guess my friends husband isn't quite as unindoctrinated as he likes to think he is. I can't wait to bust him out. You have once again proven yourself invaluable. ;)

secret agent woman said...

Wonder why anyone would even consider filling out that survey.