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Sunday, February 21, 2010

This Wicked Girl...........

........is not a fucking morning person. I have insomnia in a major way. Let me break that down for you, that means, I stay up late, then I lay down, I think about ridiculous shit that will never happen, but if by some bizarre, mind bending chance it does, I am prepared bitches. NO FEAR!! If you come to derby and the aliens attack, just call me, I have it all worked out. Thank you to the makers of Topomax, fuckers!

By prepared, I mean, like a couple of years ago, while having my morning coffee and watching the news, my sleepy little ass heard a rumbling, not like my stomach, like another fucking tornado (which we had experienced two months earlier), but further, and like slow, then it started to get louder, then it sounded like the wind, but then my house started to move.....yeah, you assholes on the left coast are laughing. We were having a fucking earthquake, in Kentucky. So, I literally sat on my sofa, look up at a giant picture hanging above my head and thought, "damn, how securely did I hang this?" then I continued to sit, under my giant picture....I also quickly calculated whether I should wake my children, who slept through the earthquake (my son also slept through tornado, but in his defense(?), he sleeps in basement, which is where we seek shelter, so I didn't wake him, we merely huddled next to him while trees fell all around us and the tornado touched down 50 yards away from my fucking house!!)(oops, that was a long parenthetical break) By the time I was finished weighing the pros and cons and had decided to let them sleep, the earthquake was over. No harm, no foul. Well, not to us. It did some very minor damage in the area. Plus, I didn't look like an idiot in a panic like the news people I was watching. I just sipped my coffee and had an earthquake.

....is also not a 9 to 5 kind of gal. Sitting in an office typing, filing, faxing. No, not my thing. I'm not very tolerant of people for long periods of time, I need breaks from them or I tend to get like a caged animal. I will bite, claw, chew my way through you. Whatever it takes to get free. I like jobs that mix it up. I like to have co-workers, obviously. Subordinates, I am fine with that too. Customers are fine, I like manipulating people around to making them think purchasing what I suggested was actually their idea. Obviously, I would prefer to just travel the world and write about my wicked journeys. Wouldn't you love to read about that? I would love to allow you that privilege. I will pitch it to numerous Travel type e-mags and real print monsters tomorrow, so be sure to comment about how MUCH you would pay to read that, in fact, send friends and family over to leave comments stating the same, we will sway them with this post (or something like that) and then we will all be winners!

.....might be a natural born killer. I am pretty sure I could kill a mother fucker. I have actually thought this through. Not like, plotted my ex-husband's death, kind of thought it through. Just the 'if someone did that to one of my kids' kind of thought it through. So, yeah, I am a natural born killer. Then I watched Last House on the Left. That totally sealed the deal. I am pretty sure you are supposed to be a little bit skeeved out by the fact that the normal people turn into brutal murderers. Ya know, instead of cheering like you are watching a ballgame. Oh well. I have the instinct and a daughter.

......would have to kill that mother fucker with a high heel. This is not a joke, the only sharp objects in my home I have never injured myself on but I know I could hurt a bad guy with are definitely some of my stilettos. So, yes, I will kill you, but it really will be with a beautiful Manolo to the carotid artery. Prepare yourself, my mother is a nurse, I have checked to be certain exactly where I need to plunge the heels, I am first going to plunge the death blow, then while you bleed out, I am definitely doing some more painful damage. Just giving you a heads up.(Zing! Pun, you knew it was coming, right?)

..........will totally get away with it because I am smart enough to set it all up in advance, fly in under a secret name with false documents and be back on location to continue my travels for my fantastic job where I write about my wicked journeys. Fuck, people keep up. We just covered that a few paragraphs back.

........would have totally been a stripper to pay my way through college.(had it not been for that whole "having a kid and husband at the time" thing) Also, my parents would be completely okay with it. They wouldn't like, come and watch or anything, but they wouldn't go into some sort of panic, as long as I wasn't taking any risks or on drugs, they wouldn't mind me using men's weakness for the female form to make money. My aunts and I have this debate all the time. One of them is appalled every time I say it, the other two are with me on it all the way and agree that they too still wish they had at least tried stripping. Funny, isn't it. Like some strange desire to have a roomful of people watch you undress. Exhibitionism at it's finest.

......is going to bed now. This non-morning person has to be awake at Oh Holy Hell it's early in the morning. So, I'm going to go lay awake and think up new ways to fend off the Taliban.


Phoenixism said...

I love the "fuck off" tag. It has just the opposite effect you know.

Yes. You need a Wicked Travel Journal type of show on cable. Instead of eating weird food or interviewing strange people you would just display your countless wicked ways, each more frightening than the previous.

Anonymous said...

Have you been overdosing on caffeine again?!!... and breathe!! I feel like I need to keep coming here to comment before you stiletto me in the heart ;0)

And how did you get on with that Taliban malarky... any bright ideas?

Wicked Shawn said...

Cold Shower- I know, right! It makes it almost impossible not to peek, like the cookies you were told you couldn't eat. Even if you didn't want the cookies, you suddenly HAD to have them.

ED- Would never stiletto you, dear. But *ahem* you forgot to mention how much you would LOVE my travel journals!!! ;)

Anonymous said...

i totally get the stripper thing. i have often fantasized about becoming a high-end call girl. ya know the kind that only escorts rich, successful, and powerful men and gets to go to gala events and fly to restaurants in private jets and whatnot.

i'm also a natural born killer when it comes to my daughter. i'm pretty sure i'd turn into a bionic ninja.

dying for those wicked travel journals!

Paul said...

Glad your able to make it to bed. When I go to strip clubs, I feel that it's my obligation to help pay for computer classes. It's the only way to feel justified in a strip club.

Wicked Pen said...

i would definitely love wicked travel journals. i would be a lifetime subscriber at minimum. i love me some wickedness. i think traveling the world, exploring new ways to inflict wicked things on others is just what this sad, boring, pathetic world needs. shake things up a bit.

i would have preferred hooker. at least i'd have gotten paid for all the times i gave that shit away for free. stripper would be 2nd choice.

i'd also be willing to bet, you may have... at some point, thought out the ex's death. in a "i wont really kill you, but if i did it, this is how i would cause i'm like OJ kind of way".




secret agent woman said...

I am a pacifist, and yet I think I cold easily kill to protect my children. Certainly I'd die in a heart beat for them.

But I'm also the sort of mother who would be horrified and shamed if my daughter became a stripper and participated in something I consider to be degrading to women. I'd still love her of course, nothing could change that, but I surely wouldn't be okay with it.