Multi-Tasking Is A Pain In The Ass...And Happy St Fucking Patrick's Day

Being a modern woman pretty much wears me the fuck out sometimes. Can I just cook and clean for like, a week? Wear some heels and pearls and have dinner ready? Without doing the whole kids running 14 places and blogging and classes and taking care of my grandfather and did people get cancer in the day of the Cleavers? By the way, who nicknames their son after their vagina? WTF?? Isn't that a little strange? Just sayin.

Oh yeah, Happy St. Patrick's Day.

I can't decide if I want a personal assistant or a maid. Really, both would be optimal. But, I'm trying to be reasonable. Well, reasonable might be overstating, but, more reasonable than usual, that's more like it. So, in an effort to be open, because some blog somewhere said bloggers are supposed to be naked,as in open about themselves(although I would way rather just sit here naked and make shit up, after all, I specialize in fiction writing) I hate cleaning, so I am leaning towards a maid. I love to cook, so she/he can just clean and do laundry, we have lots of laundry, like a ridiculous amount of fucking laundry. Between me, He Who Loves All Things Wicked, the 17 year old Narcissist, the 14 year old Drama Queen and the Irishman in the Basement, oh hell, I have never told you about the Irishman in the Basement, yeah, I have one of those. Doesn't everyone? Well, I do, no joke, it's not some sort of St Patrick's Day joke, I really do.

He's 18, he was a little bit homeless, similar to being a little bit pregnant or slightly dead, but more like kind of living in your truck because your prickish parents kicked you out of your house even though you were still in high school. So, we figured, hey, we have room, what the fuck, so, yeah, I have an Irishman in the Basement.

So, back to my predicament.......yeah, multi-tasking, taking care of everyone else, the house, the writing, the classes, the food, the friends. The thing is, it wouldn't be so bad, but inevitably, somebody feels the need at least once a week to express their feelings of disappointment that they aren't getting quite enough of my attention. Now, if this were one of my kids, I would be devastated, because obvs, they should get as much of my time and attention as they want, but NOOOOOO, it's not them, it's almost always somebody else. WTF??!!! You people are fucking adults!! Really!!??!! Take care of your fucking selves for a week or two.

Have I ever mentioned that I have insomnia, yeah, so for those of you not familiar with the concept, it pretty much means, no matter what time I lay myself down in my cozy little bed, I won't fall asleep until, oh, I don't know, 2am if I'm lucky. Have I also mentioned that He Who Loves All Things Wicked is on a totally fucked up rotation and we are getting up at 4:30am every day right now? Do the math....that's right, 2 1/2 hours of sleep, when I'm lucky. Some days, I do attempt to sneak in a nap, but, most of those days, people call me. Why do they call me, because of something earth shattering like, they are bored. Or, they want to know how to cook a turkey breast so it will stay juicy. But, because of my grandfather and my dad and because I have kids, I have to leave my fucking phone on. So, life is beautiful and I need Xanax maybe. Ya think??

Oh yeah, Happy St Patrick's Day.

It's also becoming increasingly difficult to stay up to date on the Healthcare Reform status, the NCAA brackets and my new favorite TV cartoon, Archer. See, I believe firmly and fully that it is ridiculous that we don't have a national healthcare system in place already and if we fail to pass one soon I may commit another partial murder. So it is important that I stay up on this situation.

My University of Kentucky Wildcats have finally employed a worthy coach and have a team of players who enjoy playing basketball again, thereby making it enjoyable to watch them play basketball again, so it is extremely important that I keep myself available to do this at every possible opportunity.

Archer is the raunchiest, funniest, naughtiest cartoon ever to hit broadcast tv, I couldn't ask for anything more. It is on FX and if you haven't seen it, you are missing out, watch it, you will be horrified and fascinated all at once. Just make sure there are no kids in the room! By no kids, I am talking no one under the age of, like, 21!! Yeah, it's that good!!!

Oh yeah, Happy Fucking St. Patrick's Day!

It's Wednesday, 5pm is the cutoff for this evening's Wicked Wednesday Q&A See you then!!

Not Trying To Hurt Your Feelings Or Anything, But Really..

All of my life I have heard people spouting these pointless little platitudes, hell, I've been guilty of doing it myself. During a conversation with a good friend earlier today we were mocking one such old saying and afterwards I couldn't help but spend some time thinking about the ignorance behind so many of them. Fundamentally breaking them down in my weakened mental state. So, here we go.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Okay, clearly this is meant as a warning to us that we shouldn't want what others have since just because we think what is over there is better doesn't make it so. Hey, dumbshits who still use this saying, we don't want their fucking grass. Well, I should rephrase, most of us don't covet anyone else's grass and if it's grass someone covets, they probably want it already dried and weighed. So, this saying is outdated, at best. Second, if your life is so shitty that you're sitting around envying someone elses proverbial grass, then yeah, their fucking grass probably is greener, so get off your ass and fertilize your own grass, for fuck's sake people, how long do you have to read this blog to realize Wickedness only comes when you stop feeling sorry for yourself and MAKE things happen. *dramatic sigh* Moving on.



Be careful what you wish for or you might get it. So, just to be clear on this, don't wish for herpes or you just might get it. Are we clear on that? Good. Seriously though. What.The.Fuck. I mean, who sits around wishing for something so detrimental that the minute they get it they go, "Whoa, this isn't what I signed up for, no, no, take it back please"? I have yet to meet that person. In general, the people I meet who made their wishes come true feel a sense of pride and fulfillment. Call me crazy, but I think this saying is bullshit.



Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That sounds like a great idea. After all, we all want to be closely surrounded by people we know dislike us, right? Ill will and discord abound constantly. What better way to live our lives? How about we go with "keep your friends close and forget your enemies exist"? Yes, I like that much better. What the hell is an enemy anyway, don't those only exist in spy movies??!!



A watched pot never boils. Maybe this saying was made up before the existence of basic physics?? Whatever the case may be, let's try to decipher what the basic idea is behind the saying. I am working with it as, leave things be and they will develop as they should, but if you sit over them and fuss, you interfering will stop the natural progression. Yes? (I am seeing in my fuzzy little brain a collection of nodding heads) Right, so, here's the thing, the fucking pot is going to boil whether you watch or not, if something is meant to happen, it will happen whether you are there or not. Don't believe me, go boil some fucking water. Don't move, stare at that bitch the whole time, guess what? It's going to boil anyway!



Money can't buy happiness. Stop shopping at Walmart. Because one trip to Tiffany's will so change your mind. Bloomingdales makes my heart sing. Just seeing Jimmy Choo's updated seasonal info in my inbox makes me giggle. Trust me, it may not be love, but money can so buy happy!! You simply haven't been shopping in the right places.

I want to let you know that starting this Wednesday I will be doing Wicked Fun Wednesdays!! Submit a Wicked good question through the formspringme box in the right column, I will select 10 questions for the Wednesday post. I promise to make the answers worth coming to see. ;-) You just have to make them worthy of me choosing. Hope you are up to the challenge my Wicked readers.

It's Not Just Me, Right?

Okay, I need some reassurance, here. Well, need is a rather strong word for it. I want some reassurance. No, that sounds wrong, too. I demand someone else bust down the fucking door and acknowledge that you can love your country and still not feel compelled to sit and watch this kind of shit.



First, let me be clear about the video I pulled, it is not the Olympic performance, because the couple watered down their costumes for the Olympics under pressure. Why? Because they were told their costumes might be offensive. No, dipshits, it was your lack of understanding of the people you were supposedly paying tribute to in your dance that was offensive to them. But, anyway, that is not why I posted this.

I am just saying, I am not a fan of the Winter Olympics. They look cold, I hate cold. I don't dislike cold, people. It's not a person, I'm not going to hurt it's feelings or burn in eternal damnation or some stupid shit like that for saying it. I am 100% comfortable in my deep hatred of the cold. I HATE HATE HATE HATE it. The longer it lasts, the more I hate it.

Then, in the middle of a horrible, snowy, nasty winter, NBC hijacks my fucking television with scenes of non-stop ice and snow. Are you kidding me? People are tweeting and emailing and blogging about skating and skiing and curling and hockey, hockey, HOCKEY???!!!!

Sometimes it is on in my house. One morning I was watching the Today show when I was accosted by Carrot Top, no, What. The. Fuck. That was an Olympic Gold Medalist. Oh yes, that damn snowboarder Shaun White, you little Carrot Top looking thing you. It is a good thing you are talented or you would never get laid.



More importantly, I was Facebook bombed by a private message, pointing out that it was patriotic to support our Olympic athletes. They are ice dancing Bitch, not saving children!!!! WTF!! A little perspective, please. Yes, if you are wondering, with many more words, that is what I said to her. Is it nice to hear that the USA hockey team beat Canada, I guess if you are a hockey fan it certainly would be for you. Much like I love to see my boys in blue (UK Wildcats) win their basketball games. Do I think anyone who lives in Kentucky and doesn't follow them throughout the season to be less of a Kentuckian, ummmm, no, because that is fucking stupid, because guess what, not everyone likes basketball. Or sports in general.

For those of you who do enjoy the Olympics, enjoy them while they last, thoroughly. I am happy for you. Please do understand that I am doing the countdown to Jimmy Fallon's return. I miss him. I resent the fuck out of your ski people and skaters and especially those strange curling, ice sweeping fucks who clearly just ran out of sports and decided that was all they had left for taking him away from me. I will be glad when they have stopped coming between me and that funny little beer pong playing man of mine.

Wicked Necessary Rants

I have been in quite a mood lately. I'm not a fan of winter, hate it really. Ususally I am a very happy person. I realized yesterday while doing some therapuetic shopping that I hadn't had a really good rant session in a while. Not going to really go full throttle today, just going to gently uncork a bit......

It's cold here right now. Perfect opportunity to cover up. Coats, scarves, gloves, hats, they cover a multitude of sins, really. I highly encourage them. Even if you don't think you need them, do a double take. Seriously. i just purchased a beautiful new purple scarf, it matches the Dooney purse I'm carrying today, but I was so tempted to offer it up to the woman standing beside me at the bank this afternoon. Random act of kindness? Ummm, sort of......what the hell were those things on her neck??? Why on earth wasn't she taking full advantage of the season to hide them???!!!

I have a friend who is a single parent(she's reading this, yes you), her son is adorable, well behaved, she makes him behave. I never have a problem with going to lunch with her and him tagging along. I do however really come close to losing my mind when I go to lunch with other adults only to find myself in a zoo like setting due to others inability to control their children. When did the "parenting by not parenting"method of parenting become so fucking popular??!!! Really?! This is our new plan?? Your teaching your kids right from wrong by repeatedly saying their names in a monotone voice. Great plan, let me know how that works out, won't you?

Stop hating on me because your husband is trying to talk to me. Newsflash!! I don't want your husband!! Never have, never will! This falls under the "he's your problem, I'm not" category. I don't flirt with him. I don't approach him when you aren't around. I don't do anything short of ignore him. You can't possibly be so blind that you don't see this. Get pissed at him, girlfriend, not me! In case you haven't heard, he's been chasing stray for years, you should be thanking me for being one of the few pieces that won't let him catch her!!

AAahhh, now time for some green tea and some online shoe shopping. ;) See all of you tomorrow. For those who have Twitter, there is a new link......