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Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins.....

Oh, sure, there are more than seven, but let's think baby steps now, boys and girls. I like to break things down Barney style for ya' don't ya know, so we will take these nice and easy. I will skip the picture of the great purple one tonight, because, well, honestly, I just feel a little queasy and I don't feel like seeing his big purple ass. Let's get this rolling, shall we.....



1)Jealousy- Oh, sure, we all know jealousy is bad. At some point you have proclaimed from a friends dining room table or a Starbucks in Notown, US that you aren't jealous of the guy/girl who is in the office, you merely think he/she is a slutbag and does a shitty job. Therefore doesn't deserve to work in the same breathing space as your beloved. Riiiiiight. Of course. This just happened to coincide with your new gym membership, haircut, wardrobe, perfume.......

Jealousy looks to both the males and females of our species alot like Freddy Kreuger. No matter how attractive you were, you become one horrifying person once you go all green-eyed monster on someone. Guys and girls alike, the possessive thing is not cute, it is not endearing. If I have a stalker, then maybe I want you to be watching out, but really, I will probably just call the cops. (unless it's just A Vapid Blonde, then I will throw open the curtains and dance) Being on 24/7 guard for people who may be checking out your lovah, then getting all hyperventilation-y is a)shit for fun as far as the couples who are out with you goes, you will get 0 social points b) pretty fucking stupid as far as sex radar goes, who wants to be out with the only person irradiating no sexual vibes whatsofuckingever?? Uh, hello? Where does that lead when you get home? A back rub? Puuulease! So, welcome to the new world, where we run full service relationships, we communicate, we please and tease and love and play and feel secure enough to let them go all the way across the playground without a fucking leash on. Then, we bat our baby blues at them and they follow us home!



2) Sloth- I don't care how long you have been together, shower, shave and shampoo your ass (figuratively, not literally, well, the shower part is literal, and the shave too, I guess, if absolutely necessary, eeeewww) on a regular basis. What. The. Fuck. Okay, right, he thinks it's real sexy when the hair on your legs can be braided and tied around his waist. NOT! Take care of that stubble shit you have growing off your face, dude, if you ever want near my sensitive little vagina again. She is not a fan of 10 o'clock "I can't be bothered to shave before I dine down there" shadow! Fuck that! Let us be kind, one to another and to ourselves as well. Our bodies being temples and what have you. Clean and decorate the temple, oh I'm not saying hire a cleaning service and an in interior decorator or bring in a whole crew to do an all out redecoration, damn, do a little general upkeep on yourself.



3) Greed- Now, I know you are aware that money can be the ruin of many relationships, which I am certain must be true. This is not what I am talking about in this 3rd sinspot, no this is greed as it relates to all things consolidated. Greed of the soul. The kind of greed when it's all about ME. This is an unappealing trait in one's mate, in every way, really. The me-centric individual is a horrible partner. Me-centric people are terrible lovers, no explanation necessary here. Me-centric people are bad communicators, the minute the conversation changes focus from them, they begin to yawn and nod off. They are great fun at parties, but, so are whores until it's time to go home. There is really no positive use for a me-centric person in a relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship with a me-centric individual, you fucked up, they must be incredibly hot and you must be terribly shallow. Evaluate yourself and exit the relationship.



4) Lust- Lust for one's partner is a beautiful and necessary thing. Lust for others in an abstract sense is an unavoidable way. Lust that you pursue ad nauseum while in what one partner thinks is a committed relationship is a deadly relationship sin. You did know this, right? You didn't actually think you got to play by different rules because you became hotter than your partner, or because your sex drive somehow increased or your partners decreased? Your aware that this doesn't excuse bad relationship behavior, right? Are you shaking your head no? Really? Lean closer? Let me slap the fuck out of you. Have you been reading those stupid fucking blogs about how it's okay to cheat if you aren't getting it at home? Well, STOP!! Because guess what? It's not! Lust is natural, lust is beautiful! Lust is fucking hottt! Acting on it every time somebody winks at you is fucking pathetic once your committed. Get help. No one should need that much EGO stroking. Basically, you've killed your relationship and one day you will wake to the realization that your a lousy human being too. Oh, wait, you don't have to wait, I just let you in on the secret!!



5) Gluttony- Being in a relationship does not mean life has become a free ticket to the open buffet. You know what I'm saying here? I mean it! Guys, girls, don't do it. Superficial or not, Chances are good that if you weren't 300 pounds when you got married, your personality will change as you grow into one. You will start to feel differently about yourself. Then, as you cry to your friends about the lack of love your getting and how he/she only loved you for your looks, none of them will have the balls to tell you that maybe it's the crumbs on your clothing, the depression, the lack of self confidence, etc. So, step away from the buffet. NOW, damnit!!



6) Lying(duh!)- No lying. (ya know how they say "Jesus wept" is the shortest sentence in the Bible? That always stuck with me, well, this is the shortest paragraph on my blog, let it stick with you, I'm not a religious practitioner, but damnit, I remember that Jesus wept, so, when your finished reading this, you better fucking remember, NO LYING)



7) Wrath- Wrath sounds like a great word, it sounds powerful. It sounds....ohhhhh, it sounds very Alpha. Yeah, that's it. That must be why it sucks! hehehe Wrath brings to mind some angry, red faced guy standing on top of something shaking his fist. Not pretty. Especially not in a relationship context. Wrath is bad, that's my mantra. In every relationship a little anger will fall. But wrath is a whole different beast. Wrath crosses a line. It escalates things. Shouting and throwing things. Physical violence and emotional abuses take place when wrath is involved. Not just at the hand of a man, women are capable, after all the phrase "hell hath no fury..." didn't just appear one day out of the blue. A woman is capable of wrathful behavior, oftentimes, women's wrathful behavior is more insidious because we use our minds and tongues to lash out rather than our physical presence. We like to leave scars that only your therapist will see. Wrath is perhaps inappropriate on this list, you say? By the time wrath enters, the relationship is ending. No, with communication and some work, love and effort, most relationships can be saved. When wrath enters the picture, communication is severed, the game becomes, who can hurt who most. Think "War of the Roses". Winning is no longer the object, beating your adversary is the key.

There we have it ladies and gents! The 7 deadlies! Not the only ones, of course. Maybe I missed some of the worst. Maybe not. I'm not a relationship counselor. I'm just a Wicked girrrl, writing her way through the darkness. So, how does a Wicked girrrrl know so much about so many things, you wonder? Well, after you leave today's fabulous comment(and I do love your comments!!!) go back up to the top of the page and type a question in the formspringme box. I feel oddly compelled to answer all of those silly little questions. Also, if you click on the link, you can see what others have asked me, it even shows my answers. ;)

11 comments:

secret agent woman said...

It only makes sense that the deadly sins would apply to relationships. as they do in every other area of life.

Lizzy and Elle said...

I love the Sloth one...will have to post something in the bathroom here...although I admit in the winter when it is really cold it is nicer to have a warm fur coating on my legs...

Wicked Pen said...

i do, i do, i do believe...

I CONCUR.

now, if i can just remember it all.......... :-/

-pen

Phoenixism said...

It's amazing to me how many relationships continue for years in quiet desperation in the presence of some of these (or all of them).

pattypunker said...

now i'm confused. if i don't shave my ass, should i shampoo it? or maybe i should have asked this on formspring. i'll ask something else.

great post. i've had to work on all of these at some point in my life.

Wicked Shawn said...

SA- I thought it seemed appropriate

L&E- Welcome to my humble home of Wickedness! Sloth is bad! Spread the word......

Pen- No worries, I will remind you, often ;)

Cold Shower- Doesn't surprise me at all, it's relationship laziness

Patti- If there is a question of shampooing, I highly recommend waxing, just sayin. ;) Thanks for the compliment

Jaime said...

The sad part to me is that these sins actually have to be laid out for some people. Take Tiger, for instance. Not that it's any of my business, but he said he felt "entitled" to cheat. Now. Hm. Interesting how some people expect the rules to apply to those they're with but not themselves! boo! I know people like this.
I especially like how you added bathing to the list. LMAO!

bonanza jellybean said...

Wicked Shawn - I love love your blog even though I am sitting here in Ohio with hairy legs. I do wash...even my ass!

Elly Lou said...

I agree on ditching the stubble. There are parts of the body that should never EVER be exfoliated.

Wicked Shawn said...

Jaime- Am I really the only person on the planet who wasn't at all shocked that a guy who proudly walked through life known as Tiger was bedding multiple women??? Aslo, some people really do NEED to be reminded to bathe, just sayin.

Bonanza- I say this with love in my heart, shave your fucking legs *air kisses blown straight towards cold OH*

Elly- It shocks me that this even needs to be said, even more that some women argue and say they like it. WHAAAAA??!!!! What would that vagina be made of, teflon????

Sadako said...

Cool list, makes a lot of sense. It also makes me want to watch the movie Se7en...