Why I Want To Murder People, Just A Little.....

Ever overhear things, or people say things to you, in passing or during a conversation and you just want to take them out, you know, slip the knife out of your boot and slash their throat....just a little. Not kill them completely, just a little dead. Maybe, 3/4 of the way dead. That would be good. Kind of similar to those people who say they feel a "little bit pregnant." Because that shits possible, ya' know? I often found myself being a little bit pregnant in life. Thankfully they had those semi abortion clinics for those moderately pregnant people, for non-committal parents. WTF!! Anyway, here are a few recent comments that made me just a modicum homicidal.

"Yeah, I hate reality TV too. But, I do like Jersey Shore, those people crack me up, oh and The Hills, I am addicted to those people. I kind of like The Biggest Loser, but only if there is nothing else on, ya know. Have you ever watched Parental Control, it's pretty cool." WTF??!! Do you need a definition of REALITY TV, bitch??!!

(said by girl wearing white tank top with no bra)"It's annoying, ever since I went to the DD cup size, all guys do is stare at my breasts, like, I do still have a face, hello, it's just like, 12 inches above my tits" (at this point I am eavesdropping, but burst out laughing anyway, ummm, no, her fake tits were not sagging so badly that her face was 12 inches from her DD's, and it wasn't just guys, everyone was staring, but not at her DD's, her nipples were like lasers, you couldn't miss them)

Parent:If you don't stop I am going to jerk your arm off.
Child:You said I could have a nickel every time you threatened to jerk my arm off, can I have my nickel now?
(this exchange makes me want to partially murder both of them, the parent because REALLY, you're threatening to rip his arm off??? The kid because, seriously, it's just a matter of time until this kid sees the inside of our taxpayer supported justice system)

My Son:Oh man mom, you should have seen how good I looked doing push ups, I was in front of ______(my daughter's) mirror watching myself doing them, yeah, I'm awesome.
Me:Jesus Christ, son. And no, I don't mean that as in, you are the second coming of Christ, before you even go there.
My Son:Nah, I wouldn't want to be, he pretty much got screwed the first time around, if you believe the stories.
(this makes me want to commit a tiny bit of murder/suicide because while I have raised very intelligent, well behaved children, they are just as cocky and probably bigger smart asses than even I am, you're welcome!)

Cashier:That'll be $9.81.
Me: (hands cashier $10 bill) Ok, here ya' go. How are you today? (my bad)
Cashier: I'm good thanks. Oh shoot, I keyed this in as a $100 bill, can you wait while I get a calculator?
Me:Umm, it's ok, my change is .19. No need for a calculator.
Cashier:(now eyeing me suspiciously, like I have just pulled off some major con, what with speaking to her congenially AND being able to subtract without a calculator) Well, just to be safe, I better get a calculator.
Me:Yes, you better, what with the complicated algorithms involved in subtracting 9.81 from $10. We will all just wait here. (I turn to the man in line behind me) Sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to her.
Man in Line:Not your fault, we were already fucked, she's chewing gum.
(Win/win here, I simultaneously found someone I wanted to murder a little bit(cashier) and random stranger to hug(man in line))

So, when in doubt, don't forget to pack your cute little lady-like boot knife, and remember, sandal season is coming, so dress accordingly and start seeking out a super stealthy knife that will slip into other easy to access spots. Also, make sure you never fully murder anyone, after all, that would be like getting all the way pregnant.

PS, this weeks questions for Wicked Wednesday's Q&A are looking pretty interesting so far, if you have one you were thinking about submitting, be sure to get it in before 5pm EDT Wednesday.