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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Scandalous.......I Deny Everything

So the girls at Sex and Fries ( sexnfries.blogspot.com ) AKA Lizzy and Elle, are bored. We haven't had a truly good sex scandal since Tiger and let's face, even he wasn't really all that shocking or exciting for most of us. Really, an athlete was cheating on his model wife? *yawn* I mean, the guy walked around through life calling himself Tiger, for fuck's sake, who really didn't see this coming? Not one to just sit by and leave fellow bloggers in a lurch when I am in possession of a juicy tale of sex and intrigue, I offered to give them their fix. So, down the rabbit hole we go again.............

So, here I am at my 4:30am press conference.
Photobucket(yeah, I held it from my living room sofa, it was early, you're lucky I got dressed...no, I take that back, you're not..but I digress)Note, I am really good at the "Don't ask me another dumbass question like that or I will have my gang friends kick you out of my press conference" face.

Anyway, I had to hold my press conference to deny the rumors that I, your very own, precious, sweet, innocent, Wicked Shawn have been carrying on a torrid love (by love I mean purely for the steamy hot sex) affair with one of the Democratic Senate candidates for the soon to be vacated Senate seat now held by Jim Bunning.
Not that I am sleeping with either of these gentlemen, but here is a peek at the two men I am not sleeping with, because I am a smart girl and I have met President Clinton and he did teach me something. (other than the fact that I am not able to maintain my cool in the presence of anyone no matter who it is). He taught me no matter what the evidence. DENY, deny, deny.

Photobucket This is Senate candidate Jack, who I am not sleeping with, of course.

Photobucket This is Dr. Daniel Mongiardo, who is a really nice guy, but, yeah, not my type. Ooops, have I given too much away?

Anyway, as I explained to the reporters. (well, okay, the reporter......okay, fine, the goth weather chick from the local NBC affiliate) I am denying the rumors.

I am not sexing up either of our hopeful soon to be Senators. We did not have sex on the Governor's desk while he was meeting with his new running mate and former Mayor for Life in Louisville. These rumors must stop.

Also, for the record, that was not a sex doll. I was merely showing a friend around the State Capitol after hours and she wasn't feeling well. I was dragging her lifeless body helping her up the steps and into the dark building where only Jack and the cleaning crews remained.

I also feel it needs to be stated that no, I would never find it acceptable to allow an incredibly smart, well intentioned, upwardly mobile, super hot politically active guy to proposition me quietly while we were standing in middle of a crowd. If he whispered in my ear, I am sure he was asking for a quiet location to place a call to his wife. You people are ridiculous.

Nor is it true that during my time on the road for a previous job with the circus did I perform bedroom acrobatics for free for said candidate. Also, it is important to note that any money that may or may not have exchanged hands NEVER came from any campaign funds.(at least, that's what I was told, I mean, if I had ever been in that situation, that's what I would have insisted on being told)

It is also worth pointing out that while it makes for great rumors, I am not even sure it is physically possible to place an internet predator list there, so I am DEFINITELY denying that!!! Don't get me wrong, that piece of legislation definitely made me hot, but, damn you people have some dirrrrty minds.

As for the insinuation that there was some sort of exchange around Valentine's Day of chocolate vaginas. Well, wrong J name. Sorry, Jack, hope it didn't hurt your feelings that I sent those to Jimmy.

***Absolutely everything in this post is bullshit! Oh wait, that would mean that my denials were bullshit, thereby making it seem that there had been an affair.

****Absolutely everything in this post is true!! Ummm, you know what I mean, like, none of these things ever happened. Including the press conference though. totally made that part up. But I really do look that bad at 4:30am. Sorry for subjecting everyone to that.


pattypunker said...

now this was juicy. and i agree, big yawn when it comes to tiger's escapades.

but girl, you better make sure you burn the dress with the stain on it. just sayin.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Dr. Daniel Mongiardo looks like Mr. Beans. I am SO glad he is not your type. I don't care how freaky you are or you like, Mr. Beans is just, eh, beyond freaky...

Even at 4:30 am you look lovely. I am actually pissed by that realization.

And you do have a look that says: Don't fuck with me. I'll but a biatch.

You do that while looking gorgeous. WTF?!

Wicked Shawn said...

Patty- Unlike that Monica girl, who spent way more time with My Clinton, and apparently didn't talk any more than I did, but more because, well, ya know, she had her mouth kinda full, I know to take my dress off. ;-)

subWOW- I love you for thinking I look good!! Will you move in with me and have coffee in the mornings? I make the best fucking coffee in the world! Plus, I won't let anyone fuck with you, one look from me and they will back off. bwahahaha

The Absence of Alternatives said...

That's why I am so grouchy! I haven't had coffee yet!!! Yes, I have been known to brew coffee filter stolen from hotels. I am not proud of it...

By the way, I came back because I forgot to share the wisdom I learned from working with men while being the only woman most of the time... Go beyond Deny Deny Deny, my little grasshopper, thou shall practice DDA from now on:

Deny. Deny. Accuse.

Paige said...

wahahaha deny deny deny! classic post.

also on an entirely diff note, i love the look of your blog, and love the way your posts scroll. so uber cool.


Miss Spoken said...

Next you're going to tell me that you weren't at that gay bar with Sen. Ashburn either.

Wicked liar.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

Wicked Shawn said...

SubWOW- Hadn't had your coffee? Blasphemer!!! I like DDA! I feel a t-shirt coming on.

Paige- Thank you, thankyouverrymuch

Spoken- Unless you have pictures, no, no it wasn't me, in fact, I am certain it was you. (how was that subWOW??)

anonymous- *in cheer cadence* be specific, be, be specific, be, specific, be, be specific So difficult for me to be charming/offensive/a smartass when your comment is so vague ;-)

Pennypenpen said...

first i was like... WTF

and you totally would do Jack. and i'm totally voting for his ass no matter what he does, cause i wanna look at him. :-)
i'm a whore like that.

one rule i learned early on in my adult life--well, 2 rules. i learned from my best guy friend, bobby.
1. LIE TILL YOU DIE (a.k.a. deny, deny deny)
2. GET YOURS AND GO TO SLEEP (his friend that i dated did NOT appreciate this rule)

no videos or film--never happened.


Elly Lou said...

Oh that photo reminds me...

You're kinda scary when you're hopped on caffeine.

Unknown said...

Ok, it's *supposed* to be a podium with a microphone, right? Because I see a butt in the brown. Have I been watching Family Guy too much?

No, because if I had I'd suggest that the Mic looked like a robot penis.

Wicked Shawn said...

Pen- Thus furthering my belief that all republicans are closet whores.....oh wait, you kicked that whole whore closet door open ages ago..well, whatev, just as long as you vote for Jack....who I am not sleeping with but I am voting for because he has sound policy ideas and Trey Grayson scares the bejeezus out of me!!

Elly- Kinda?? All I get is kinda? A lot of effort went into this fake scandal. Damn..*hangs head in shame*

KYA-Ok, you have totally convinced me that my dream of working side by side with Matt and Trey on an episode or two of South Park is not going to happen. Thanx dude. *Tries to hang head further but, HOLY HELL, I have some awesome tits*