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Thursday, March 4, 2010

How I Found Myself In A Courtroom with No Panties

Oh, you just know it's going to be good, after all, I always post at some insanely late hour(thank you Topomax induced insomnia) and here it is 9:05 on the East Coast. WTH could possibly warrant a post at this time of day from the Wicked One herself. Well, grab a cup of your favorite stuff, cover your keyboard with something water resistant and sit back, because I am about to tell a fucked up tale of misadventure, the judicial system and why, in precision detail, so many Americans find themselves homeless and without medical treatment in these modern times. But, I promise not to do it in some sad somber tone, after all, I wasn't wearing panties. :-)

Okay, so yesterday morning I woke up and the first thing I thought was, 'Hey, it's Wednesday, March 3rd, self declared No Panty Day!!' (did you remember???) So, after I shimmied out of my silkies I went about my morning ritual, you know, med cocktail, mmmm, delishhh, coffee, water, coffee, coffee, twitter, blogs, twitter, email, twitter, blogs, blogs, twitter, ...... phone calls, phone calls, twitter......

FINALLY, I leave my house, errands to be done, appointments to be kept, what have you. Okay, we interrupt this story for those of you who don't know me. Which is all but, say, 2, I mean actually know me.

One of the things that is actually going on in my life is that my beloved 84 year old grandfather has gone off his rocker. As in, skipped the tracks, nuts. In January he might have, as in did, shoot some cars and trucks while they drove by his house. What's an old guy to do, he was pretty sure they were sneaking the Japanese in for an invasion (WWII flashback, not a racist outburst, although, gotta say, would have been funnier if it were just some weird racist outburst). So, after the local police called and suggested one of us go take his gun,(uh, way to serve and protect there guys, we declined) he barricaded himself in his house, state police swat team came and got him and he was hauled off to a facility for sweet old men who have need of psychiatric assistance. EEEEEHHHHHH!!! No. Wrong. That is how it should have gone. Instead, State police took him, he was treated for the wounds he received during the "hostile takeover" by the terrorists, as he described it to the judge, then he was sent to the county jail. Perfect so far, right?

I am now made his Emergency Guardian, because it is clear that he is not of sound mind. I am then told by the judge, find someplace who will treat him for his mental condition. After some scrambling, favor calling, help from friends and string pulling, we find a facility, I attend a hearing with the judge, they want me to sign a bond for his release, I am somewhat reluctant, since this means if he is released from this place I would need to bring him back home with me as I am in charge of him. Did I mention him kicking me across a room because he didn't want me to help him put on his shoes? Oh, or that he won't speak to me now because he has decided I married a Japanese man and am carrying Japanese babies....I love that its always plural, like, a litter of Japanese babies, not sure where this came from, but his mind works in fascinating ways right now.

I also discovered in the midst of all of this, that my grandfather, although he is a Veteran, has never used his Veterans benefits, so I began the process of trying to activate his Veteran's benefits because it was explained to me that if I was able to clear up his legal matters, the VA could be very helpful to me in finding care for him. Uh, can you say nightmarish. As in, hey guys, glad my tits are so fascinating and all, but I was hoping you would take a look at these discharge papers instead!!!! Seriously??!!! WTF?! So, while holding his discharge papers from the military, which have his service number and everything on them, they tell me there is no proof he is a veteran. Ummmmmm, pardon me? What the fuck are those things, then? Did they just hand those out like cotton candy back in the day?

Anyway, judge agrees that this would be bad, so we work it out that he is only to be transported by ambulance or sheriff's deputies and if he becomes uncooperative, he is to be brought back to jail. Not optimal, but I have to put my kid's safety first. Ugh, this is the shit I am dealing with daily while I entertain you people. Yes, kiss my feet right now.

After all of this is settled and ambulance arrives at jail to pick him up, my grandfather creates a huge scene, accuses them all of being terrorists, threatens the ambulance driver and refuses to leave the jail. Epic Fail! Plan 1 aborted.

Following morning, back in judges chambers, (judge is someone I know personally, so I had not had the displeasure of dealing with any of this in open court) he decides that since we went through all of this and it failed, he would simply order my grandfather to undergo mandatory psych eval at state corrections facility. HOLD.ON.A.FUCKING.MINUTE. Yeah, you heard me. They could have done that all along, but instead, had me jumping through hoops the whole time. Signing bonds and placing 400 calls to doctors and facilities and friends in Frankfort. Nice, huh. Anywho. So it is decreed, so it is done.

Last week, I get a call from the social worker from this state facility telling me that he is definitely going to be found incompetent to stand trial. Duh! Big Red Truck, bitch! Okay, so where will that lead us, I ask. No clue, she says. Great, thanks.....I call our County Attorney's office.

Me: so, they have found him incompetent to stand trial, what will the next step be?
Her: Well, it will be up to the judge, really, most likely, since he isn't fit to stand trial, he will be sent to Central State (this is a state run mental facility I had already checked on and spoken to 2 different psychiatrists about, both actually spoke rather highly of it)
Me: Okay, when will that happen?
Her: Well, the trial date is set for March 22
Me: Okay then

Alright, now we are back to me not having any panties on and skipping through my errands yesterday. 2:45 my phone rings.

Me: Hello?
Person: Shawn, this is Idiot from the county attorney's office, they are dropping all of the charges against your grandfather at 3:30 today, so as his guardian you will need to be here to pick him up as soon as that hearing is over.
Inside my head:fuck,shit,damn,bitch,crazy,death,stab,murder,kill,hell,bastard,holy jesus, repeat.
Person:Are you there?
Me: Are you kidding me? What happened to Central State? how do you just drop several counts felony charges involving a firearm, Terroristic threatening, and why am I just now hearing about this?
Person: Well, I know it is short notice but...
Me:(totally cutting her off) Okay, let me just explain this to you, my grandfather, god love him, is not right in the head, I know it, you know it, the judge knows it, the doctors know it and the county attorney knows it. It is NOT safe for me to put him in a car with me and that is to say IF he would even get in a car with me AND I am in the middle of something and I am more than 45 minutes away from there and who calls 45 minutes before and tells somebody something like this? (obvious answer, an idiot)(deep cleansing breaths)
Person:Oh, well, I mean, umm, I can go ask, umm, I'm not really sure, uh..
Me: I need to talk to _____(insert name of the Assistant County Attorney here, who is on top of her damn job, tyvm, if you ever happen upon my little blog, I love you for all of the help and support you have tried so hard to provide through this nightmare!!!)
Person: Well, she's in a hearing and ____(insert name of actual county attorney)is handling all is this herself.
Me: then I want to talk to her.
Person: Well, you really just need to be here.
Me: I will be there when I get there, in the mean time, somebody down there needs to figure out what the hell they are going to do because calling me 45 minutes in advance and then acting like I should have known it was coming is a bit of a stretch.

Holy shit.....this is wayyyy too long for just one post....ok, I will arrive at court with no panties in tonight's post. I promise.


Patty Punker said...

oh, i'm so sorry about your grandfather and all of this bureacratic bs. big hugs.

i'd dying to find out how the no panties plays into this. thanks for not abandoning us while you deal with this crapstorm.

secret agent woman said...

Ooh, bad luck! Hope you get it straightened out and they get your grandfather somewhere secure.

Pennypenpen said...

your kids are tall for Japanese kids...

I'm just sayin


Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life said...

I came for the no panties... I assumed you being Wicked their would be photos... :-P

And Oy. That's a lot of drama to work through in one day. Why didn't he just end up with a psych eval at a local hospital when he was arrested???

Miss Spoken said...

Doesn't everybody's Grandpa shoot at passing cars?

Sympathies and vodka to you, my dear.

Wickedly Loved said...

And I can't use chopsticks or eat sushi. What.the.hell.

Jana said...

Hi, the title of your post was enough for me to know that what i'm about to read is hilarious and it was!!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, so I am sitting in the office, stuffing my face with crisps whilst I read all about your trauma... Now I have to go downstairs, have a ciggy before I start on part 2... Phew...