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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Wicked Girls.........Fucked Up Friday

I always wait until the end of the night to write. It's me time. It's when all the events of the day have finally had time to stew in my seedy little mind. It's the time when everyone else in the house has gone their merry little way. Tonight, it's the time when I find myself sitting here going, "What a fucked up week!".

I had an email through the blog this week from a lurker who wanted to point out that while I am comfortable sharing the details of my sex life here on the world wild net (hehehe, yes, fuck you, it was another pun), I never really share any personal anecdotes. Well, aren't you just the most perceptive creeper we ever have encountered in these parts.Not!! I share what I choose to share. There is a world of blogs out there, mine is experimental, if you aren't satisfied with it, there are a couple of others to read, or so I have heard.

I'm sitting in the midst of a snowstorm that promises to have my darling little car buried in fucking snow by the time I drag my happy little ass out of bed in the morning. What with me being such a big fan of snow and cold, that has me just over the sonofabitching moon right about now.

I went to a card game earlier and wound up at a gunfight, seems I showed up at said gunfight with a kni.......fuck, nope, didn't even bring a knife........I was unstabtastic......ROFLMAO.......fortunately, for a change I had on running shoes and I was smart enough to use them. WTH??!!!

Speaking of guns, apparently, here in Bumfuck, KY, when an old man shoots vehicles,(note I did not say AT, because he is a good shot, nor did I use the singular form of the noun in that sentence, because there was more than one) the proper response by a police officer is to call a family member and suggest that one of the family go see if they can get the old guy to give up his gun. I shit you not, that's what was said. (separate gun related issue, by the way) WTHx2??!!

Middle school daughter is on swimteam, seems someone thought it would be fine to hire old pervert to take team photos this year, so instead of the usual pictures, I now have paid top dollar for a Sports Illustrated style photo of my daughter in her bathing suit posing on a diving board. Um, hello, they don't even use the fucking diving boards for swimming!!! WTF!!! Her response, you wonder, "So, you don't like the pictures?" With that whole sad, but mom, how could you not like my pictures, face on. Of course, I am thinking, "Holy fuck, I need to do internet search tonight to see what this sick bastard is selling these for on the black market..." Fucking sick fuck!!

Now that I have let all of that out on you poor unsuspecting souls who come here hoping for various giggles and sexual misdeeds or god knows what, I feel so much better. HA!HA! It also saves all of my friends from having to hear any of it. Plus, none of you had to hear any of the actual bad stuff that is going on, just the scraping the surface irritating shit that makes me want to pen people in the eyes. Is that normal? Dick, your answer doesn't count here.

But, really, do you ever find yourself listening to someone drone on about something and you drift off into a fantasy about gouging their eyes out with an ink pen? Or get stuck talking to someone so terminally unattractive that you want to gouge your own eyes out? Especially worse when they are really nice. Then you enjoy talking to them but looking at them during the conversation is almost unbearable. I'm not talking about normal unattractive, I'm talking painful ugly, here.

What about people who look normal, but then they talk...and you realize that they sound like nails on a chalkboard. The sound of their voice making your spine tingle, but not in that "oh holy hell I wish your clothes would melt off of you right now" way, but rather that "please, I've heard the ocean, I've heard the sound of my kids voice screaming with delight, I've heard the moans of pleasure I can give, that's good enough, I'm ready for deafness, NOW" kind of way? Yeah, can't stand that either.

It amazes me how many people think I am a nice person. I can't even tell you how many times I am told how sweet I am in a week. The thing is, I am really quite outspoken, I pull very few punches. I am a little less reserved here, but not much, pretty much, what you read is what you get with me. I mean, I guess I am an okay person, if by nothing more than instinct. I don't bite strange babies in the local bar. I don't punch random, quiet, attractive people without provocation. I smile all the time (of course, that's because I am constantly thinking of wicked things). I volunteer in my community. I help people whenever I know someone is in need. Really, I guess I am probably the nicest people hater I know.

Hmmm, think I will end on that note, drift off to sleep, dream of Jimmy Fallon and the love of my life showering me in shoes and Tiffany jewelry as they fight over who is taking me to Italy for my dream vacation. Those silly guys, they have this argument over and over again.


Wicked Pen said...

you? unstabtastic? my image of you is totally blown.

Phoenixism said...

Awesome post Ms Wicked.

You know how I love that kind of thing, the stream of thoughts that spurt out your mind late at night when all is dark and the mice are asleep and one thought leads to another which leads to another, and still leads to one more, and next thing you know, you've written 800 words.

I dig your vibe.

tattytiara said...

I once broke up with a guy because he just sounded way too much like a muppet. Shame, really liked the guy, but you're right - limits get reached.

secret agent woman said...

I cancelled a first date when he called to confirm and talked just like Yoda.

And recently, someone read a comment of mine on another blog, misunderstood it and emailed me to take me to task for it. I mean, seriously> Did he think I give a flying fuck about the opinion of someone who doesn't even read my blog?

Wicked Shawn said...

Pen- Fuck you and your image of me, doll!

Cold Shower- Thanks, but let's put the mice in the box with the clowns, shall we? ;) *shiver* BTW, I really enjoy reading your stuff, as well.

Tiara- Welcome& OMG a muppet, seriously?! I need details....are we talking Kermit style muppet or the old guys in the balcony? Nevermind, makes no difference, a muppet is simply not dating material.

Secret Agent- LMAO@Yoda. You have wonderful dating experiences. Perhaps teach you much, he would, young one. Sorry, couldn't resist. :-)

The email thing, yeah, these asshats really seem to think somehow they are going to make us see the light???!!! Oh, ok!