Like a Sex Aide, Only I spend More Money on Them

There has been discussion of my shoes here. There has been discussion of my shoes elsewhere. There have been questions regarding the effect of my shoes on my sex life. I have shared a poem and a sentimental tale of a gift given to me. I have shared a story written from me to a love of mine. I have even told a story of appearing in court without panties. I mean, hell, I've practically gone to third base with all of you at this point. So, I figure, you might as well meet some of my shoes. Now look, I have a big shoe closet, (okay, three, actually, yeah, it's true, three closets of shoes, not counting the ones stored carefully in one of those nifty little boxes that slides under the bed) so, I will take it easy on you. Not as if I'm just going to drag ya'll down to Munfordville for a big ol' family reunion. No, I will babystep it for you. Just a few, not even playing favorites. Just a random sampling.






I met these beauties last spring, we dated, walked along the streets of downtown Louisville, became friends. It's a casual relationship, but we always enjoy ourselves when we are together. Say hello to the nice people.












These girls are so lovely, they deserve two views. Sadly, looking at these views, it still just doesn't do them justice. Their gorgeous salmon color and seductive, choker collar effect above the ankle just doesn't come across in the photos. Going to have to take my word for it. H-O-T




I will just let these badass mother fucking shoes speak for themselves.











Oh yes, we met and fell in love at Derby '08 and have never looked back. Ours has been a fairytale romance of dinners, wine and dancing. Special times we have shared, you hold a special place in my heart and on my padded shoe rack.




















Sassy, right? The color alone is just begging for spring to come back, as am I. Hello??!!
















Oh come on, let's face it, these shoes are begging for a good night of "Detective Novel Role Play"





The dame walked in, looking like her sweater and that lipstick were made of the same wine I took a bath in last night, and now my head was swimming in it again...........





"brownchickenbrowncow" *props to Karlis*




So, now you have had a few preliminary introductions. Nothing too formal or fancy. I didn't break out any of the boots. Can you spot the designers in there? There are two pairs. Bonus points if you can spot which pairs of shoes and tell which designers they are.........

The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins.....

Oh, sure, there are more than seven, but let's think baby steps now, boys and girls. I like to break things down Barney style for ya' don't ya know, so we will take these nice and easy. I will skip the picture of the great purple one tonight, because, well, honestly, I just feel a little queasy and I don't feel like seeing his big purple ass. Let's get this rolling, shall we.....



1)Jealousy- Oh, sure, we all know jealousy is bad. At some point you have proclaimed from a friends dining room table or a Starbucks in Notown, US that you aren't jealous of the guy/girl who is in the office, you merely think he/she is a slutbag and does a shitty job. Therefore doesn't deserve to work in the same breathing space as your beloved. Riiiiiight. Of course. This just happened to coincide with your new gym membership, haircut, wardrobe, perfume.......

Jealousy looks to both the males and females of our species alot like Freddy Kreuger. No matter how attractive you were, you become one horrifying person once you go all green-eyed monster on someone. Guys and girls alike, the possessive thing is not cute, it is not endearing. If I have a stalker, then maybe I want you to be watching out, but really, I will probably just call the cops. (unless it's just A Vapid Blonde, then I will throw open the curtains and dance) Being on 24/7 guard for people who may be checking out your lovah, then getting all hyperventilation-y is a)shit for fun as far as the couples who are out with you goes, you will get 0 social points b) pretty fucking stupid as far as sex radar goes, who wants to be out with the only person irradiating no sexual vibes whatsofuckingever?? Uh, hello? Where does that lead when you get home? A back rub? Puuulease! So, welcome to the new world, where we run full service relationships, we communicate, we please and tease and love and play and feel secure enough to let them go all the way across the playground without a fucking leash on. Then, we bat our baby blues at them and they follow us home!



2) Sloth- I don't care how long you have been together, shower, shave and shampoo your ass (figuratively, not literally, well, the shower part is literal, and the shave too, I guess, if absolutely necessary, eeeewww) on a regular basis. What. The. Fuck. Okay, right, he thinks it's real sexy when the hair on your legs can be braided and tied around his waist. NOT! Take care of that stubble shit you have growing off your face, dude, if you ever want near my sensitive little vagina again. She is not a fan of 10 o'clock "I can't be bothered to shave before I dine down there" shadow! Fuck that! Let us be kind, one to another and to ourselves as well. Our bodies being temples and what have you. Clean and decorate the temple, oh I'm not saying hire a cleaning service and an in interior decorator or bring in a whole crew to do an all out redecoration, damn, do a little general upkeep on yourself.



3) Greed- Now, I know you are aware that money can be the ruin of many relationships, which I am certain must be true. This is not what I am talking about in this 3rd sinspot, no this is greed as it relates to all things consolidated. Greed of the soul. The kind of greed when it's all about ME. This is an unappealing trait in one's mate, in every way, really. The me-centric individual is a horrible partner. Me-centric people are terrible lovers, no explanation necessary here. Me-centric people are bad communicators, the minute the conversation changes focus from them, they begin to yawn and nod off. They are great fun at parties, but, so are whores until it's time to go home. There is really no positive use for a me-centric person in a relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship with a me-centric individual, you fucked up, they must be incredibly hot and you must be terribly shallow. Evaluate yourself and exit the relationship.



4) Lust- Lust for one's partner is a beautiful and necessary thing. Lust for others in an abstract sense is an unavoidable way. Lust that you pursue ad nauseum while in what one partner thinks is a committed relationship is a deadly relationship sin. You did know this, right? You didn't actually think you got to play by different rules because you became hotter than your partner, or because your sex drive somehow increased or your partners decreased? Your aware that this doesn't excuse bad relationship behavior, right? Are you shaking your head no? Really? Lean closer? Let me slap the fuck out of you. Have you been reading those stupid fucking blogs about how it's okay to cheat if you aren't getting it at home? Well, STOP!! Because guess what? It's not! Lust is natural, lust is beautiful! Lust is fucking hottt! Acting on it every time somebody winks at you is fucking pathetic once your committed. Get help. No one should need that much EGO stroking. Basically, you've killed your relationship and one day you will wake to the realization that your a lousy human being too. Oh, wait, you don't have to wait, I just let you in on the secret!!



5) Gluttony- Being in a relationship does not mean life has become a free ticket to the open buffet. You know what I'm saying here? I mean it! Guys, girls, don't do it. Superficial or not, Chances are good that if you weren't 300 pounds when you got married, your personality will change as you grow into one. You will start to feel differently about yourself. Then, as you cry to your friends about the lack of love your getting and how he/she only loved you for your looks, none of them will have the balls to tell you that maybe it's the crumbs on your clothing, the depression, the lack of self confidence, etc. So, step away from the buffet. NOW, damnit!!



6) Lying(duh!)- No lying. (ya know how they say "Jesus wept" is the shortest sentence in the Bible? That always stuck with me, well, this is the shortest paragraph on my blog, let it stick with you, I'm not a religious practitioner, but damnit, I remember that Jesus wept, so, when your finished reading this, you better fucking remember, NO LYING)



7) Wrath- Wrath sounds like a great word, it sounds powerful. It sounds....ohhhhh, it sounds very Alpha. Yeah, that's it. That must be why it sucks! hehehe Wrath brings to mind some angry, red faced guy standing on top of something shaking his fist. Not pretty. Especially not in a relationship context. Wrath is bad, that's my mantra. In every relationship a little anger will fall. But wrath is a whole different beast. Wrath crosses a line. It escalates things. Shouting and throwing things. Physical violence and emotional abuses take place when wrath is involved. Not just at the hand of a man, women are capable, after all the phrase "hell hath no fury..." didn't just appear one day out of the blue. A woman is capable of wrathful behavior, oftentimes, women's wrathful behavior is more insidious because we use our minds and tongues to lash out rather than our physical presence. We like to leave scars that only your therapist will see. Wrath is perhaps inappropriate on this list, you say? By the time wrath enters, the relationship is ending. No, with communication and some work, love and effort, most relationships can be saved. When wrath enters the picture, communication is severed, the game becomes, who can hurt who most. Think "War of the Roses". Winning is no longer the object, beating your adversary is the key.

There we have it ladies and gents! The 7 deadlies! Not the only ones, of course. Maybe I missed some of the worst. Maybe not. I'm not a relationship counselor. I'm just a Wicked girrrl, writing her way through the darkness. So, how does a Wicked girrrrl know so much about so many things, you wonder? Well, after you leave today's fabulous comment(and I do love your comments!!!) go back up to the top of the page and type a question in the formspringme box. I feel oddly compelled to answer all of those silly little questions. Also, if you click on the link, you can see what others have asked me, it even shows my answers. ;)

Wicked Girls.......We Aren't Your Target Audience

Did you see The Bachelor last night? Do I still have eyes in my head? Then obviously, no one in my home turned on the show where 20 or more desperate fucking women flaunted their bodies on national television, each trying to sleep with the same man, spending a grand total of probably 2 hours with him, then sobbing and declaring their love for him as he picks them off one by one until he narrows it down to the one fortunate(?) enough to be his bride to be, maybe. That's entertainment. Or fucking not. Really, who the hell is watching this??!! No, really, if you, my readers, my beloveds, are watching this, speak up and tell me why, I beseech you. Do they give shoes away during the commercials???

Then we have Wife Swap. I actually have caught entire episodes of this. I admit, guiltily, my need to understand dysfunctional humans (aka hatred of them) pulled me into this show. Wives who insist on not cleaning their homes and letting their children eat entire bottles of ketchup for breakfast being sent into homes where they eat all organic foods and prepare the meals together as a family, running the household like a well oiled and overly structured machine. Everything to extremes. You never like any of them. They are all caricatures of real people. Idiots, extremists, damaging their children, adults who throw tantrums on national tv and in front of their children. All for what? That flash of fame? Moment of glory? Glory? Shoot me now if this is what our world has to look forward to going forward.

Our country saw a vice presidential candidate who just gave a speech using the phrase "hopey changey thing". You know what, Alaska isn't the only place they teach women how to hunt, dumbass. Keep making us look stupid. Every time that bitch opens her mouth our entire sex looks dumber. Why? Because some asshole on the RNC board realized McCain was old and ugly and thought she would balance it out. Fuck! Did nobody breed a relatively young, attractive republican woman with a functioning brain?? WTH??!! As for the note on her hand, whatthefuckever, it probably just said "don't wink at the camera, dipshit!"

Maybe I am being too harsh. Perhaps all of these people are very smart. It has long been a practice by some to pretend they are stupid. Maybe Ms. California really was a brilliant girl, she was just playing to the audience she expected to be watching a beauty pageant. Maybe Sarah Palin is very intelligent, she was just trying to play to the average Republican. (rim shot, sorry, couldn't resist! why do you guys still love me?) Maybe the girls on The Bachelor are very intelligent, smart enough to know they would never get on the show if they let it be known they were smarter than the creators, who are clearly not intelligent enough to come up with a story line, plot or script. Big kudos do go to the girl who was smart enough to just skip the manwhore (nothing but love for my manwhores, mind you) and just start sleeping with the host! As for the Wife Swap people, no, they really are just assholes and idiots bent on fucking up their children and I hate them all.

I have played the seductress. I have played innocent. I have played the naughty girl, oh wait, that one isn't so much of an act. I have taken on many roles in the dance between the sexes. One thing I have simply never been able to stomach is that of the stupid girl. I've seen it done, played to perfection. I have seen it reel guys in over and over again. Each time I sat back and looked at them with one thought clear in my mind. Never, not for one moment, would one of those men hold my interest for five minutes. Men who desire a stupid woman do so for simple reasons. Fear or lack of self esteem. I have a low tolerance for both in my men. I need a man who is neither afraid of me nor uncomfortable with himself. Stupid doesn't suit me. Not on me nor on my men.

But I do like fun. So, I am off to dream of Jimmy Fallon!