The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins.....

Oh, sure, there are more than seven, but let's think baby steps now, boys and girls. I like to break things down Barney style for ya' don't ya know, so we will take these nice and easy. I will skip the picture of the great purple one tonight, because, well, honestly, I just feel a little queasy and I don't feel like seeing his big purple ass. Let's get this rolling, shall we.....



1)Jealousy- Oh, sure, we all know jealousy is bad. At some point you have proclaimed from a friends dining room table or a Starbucks in Notown, US that you aren't jealous of the guy/girl who is in the office, you merely think he/she is a slutbag and does a shitty job. Therefore doesn't deserve to work in the same breathing space as your beloved. Riiiiiight. Of course. This just happened to coincide with your new gym membership, haircut, wardrobe, perfume.......

Jealousy looks to both the males and females of our species alot like Freddy Kreuger. No matter how attractive you were, you become one horrifying person once you go all green-eyed monster on someone. Guys and girls alike, the possessive thing is not cute, it is not endearing. If I have a stalker, then maybe I want you to be watching out, but really, I will probably just call the cops. (unless it's just A Vapid Blonde, then I will throw open the curtains and dance) Being on 24/7 guard for people who may be checking out your lovah, then getting all hyperventilation-y is a)shit for fun as far as the couples who are out with you goes, you will get 0 social points b) pretty fucking stupid as far as sex radar goes, who wants to be out with the only person irradiating no sexual vibes whatsofuckingever?? Uh, hello? Where does that lead when you get home? A back rub? Puuulease! So, welcome to the new world, where we run full service relationships, we communicate, we please and tease and love and play and feel secure enough to let them go all the way across the playground without a fucking leash on. Then, we bat our baby blues at them and they follow us home!



2) Sloth- I don't care how long you have been together, shower, shave and shampoo your ass (figuratively, not literally, well, the shower part is literal, and the shave too, I guess, if absolutely necessary, eeeewww) on a regular basis. What. The. Fuck. Okay, right, he thinks it's real sexy when the hair on your legs can be braided and tied around his waist. NOT! Take care of that stubble shit you have growing off your face, dude, if you ever want near my sensitive little vagina again. She is not a fan of 10 o'clock "I can't be bothered to shave before I dine down there" shadow! Fuck that! Let us be kind, one to another and to ourselves as well. Our bodies being temples and what have you. Clean and decorate the temple, oh I'm not saying hire a cleaning service and an in interior decorator or bring in a whole crew to do an all out redecoration, damn, do a little general upkeep on yourself.



3) Greed- Now, I know you are aware that money can be the ruin of many relationships, which I am certain must be true. This is not what I am talking about in this 3rd sinspot, no this is greed as it relates to all things consolidated. Greed of the soul. The kind of greed when it's all about ME. This is an unappealing trait in one's mate, in every way, really. The me-centric individual is a horrible partner. Me-centric people are terrible lovers, no explanation necessary here. Me-centric people are bad communicators, the minute the conversation changes focus from them, they begin to yawn and nod off. They are great fun at parties, but, so are whores until it's time to go home. There is really no positive use for a me-centric person in a relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship with a me-centric individual, you fucked up, they must be incredibly hot and you must be terribly shallow. Evaluate yourself and exit the relationship.



4) Lust- Lust for one's partner is a beautiful and necessary thing. Lust for others in an abstract sense is an unavoidable way. Lust that you pursue ad nauseum while in what one partner thinks is a committed relationship is a deadly relationship sin. You did know this, right? You didn't actually think you got to play by different rules because you became hotter than your partner, or because your sex drive somehow increased or your partners decreased? Your aware that this doesn't excuse bad relationship behavior, right? Are you shaking your head no? Really? Lean closer? Let me slap the fuck out of you. Have you been reading those stupid fucking blogs about how it's okay to cheat if you aren't getting it at home? Well, STOP!! Because guess what? It's not! Lust is natural, lust is beautiful! Lust is fucking hottt! Acting on it every time somebody winks at you is fucking pathetic once your committed. Get help. No one should need that much EGO stroking. Basically, you've killed your relationship and one day you will wake to the realization that your a lousy human being too. Oh, wait, you don't have to wait, I just let you in on the secret!!



5) Gluttony- Being in a relationship does not mean life has become a free ticket to the open buffet. You know what I'm saying here? I mean it! Guys, girls, don't do it. Superficial or not, Chances are good that if you weren't 300 pounds when you got married, your personality will change as you grow into one. You will start to feel differently about yourself. Then, as you cry to your friends about the lack of love your getting and how he/she only loved you for your looks, none of them will have the balls to tell you that maybe it's the crumbs on your clothing, the depression, the lack of self confidence, etc. So, step away from the buffet. NOW, damnit!!



6) Lying(duh!)- No lying. (ya know how they say "Jesus wept" is the shortest sentence in the Bible? That always stuck with me, well, this is the shortest paragraph on my blog, let it stick with you, I'm not a religious practitioner, but damnit, I remember that Jesus wept, so, when your finished reading this, you better fucking remember, NO LYING)



7) Wrath- Wrath sounds like a great word, it sounds powerful. It sounds....ohhhhh, it sounds very Alpha. Yeah, that's it. That must be why it sucks! hehehe Wrath brings to mind some angry, red faced guy standing on top of something shaking his fist. Not pretty. Especially not in a relationship context. Wrath is bad, that's my mantra. In every relationship a little anger will fall. But wrath is a whole different beast. Wrath crosses a line. It escalates things. Shouting and throwing things. Physical violence and emotional abuses take place when wrath is involved. Not just at the hand of a man, women are capable, after all the phrase "hell hath no fury..." didn't just appear one day out of the blue. A woman is capable of wrathful behavior, oftentimes, women's wrathful behavior is more insidious because we use our minds and tongues to lash out rather than our physical presence. We like to leave scars that only your therapist will see. Wrath is perhaps inappropriate on this list, you say? By the time wrath enters, the relationship is ending. No, with communication and some work, love and effort, most relationships can be saved. When wrath enters the picture, communication is severed, the game becomes, who can hurt who most. Think "War of the Roses". Winning is no longer the object, beating your adversary is the key.

There we have it ladies and gents! The 7 deadlies! Not the only ones, of course. Maybe I missed some of the worst. Maybe not. I'm not a relationship counselor. I'm just a Wicked girrrl, writing her way through the darkness. So, how does a Wicked girrrrl know so much about so many things, you wonder? Well, after you leave today's fabulous comment(and I do love your comments!!!) go back up to the top of the page and type a question in the formspringme box. I feel oddly compelled to answer all of those silly little questions. Also, if you click on the link, you can see what others have asked me, it even shows my answers. ;)

Sexual Addiction, Really? I Need More Information...

Okay, first let me share with you how this post came into existence, sad as the case may be, you should just enjoy the pathetic workings of the inner Shawn. Last week, as the whole world knows, was doppleganger week on FB. (yes, I know, we high-minded bloggers are supposed to be above FB, but I don't bother with pretense, remember?)Turns out, none of us could figure out who I was supposed to look like. Then I found a website where you upload a picture of yourself, it runs it through a facial feature program and matches it up to your celebrity look alike. Mine was Tea Leoni.

I'm okay with that, I suppose, although, girlfriend needs some implants to keep up with me, otherwise, I guess she could pass for me. Mostly, I am letting it slide because she is married to David Duchovney, star of Californication. Greatest Showtime Original show ever.

Granted, he's a little old for me, but age is relative, after all, he is experienced. Apparently, very experienced. Long rumored to be a sex addict, David has confirmed his affinity for hotel porn(ok), lustful feelings(ok), numerous sex partners while he was single(ok), voyuerism(ok) and frequent masrurbation(ok). There have been rumors of him seeking treatment for sexual addiction, but I couldn't confirm them. There were also rumors of numrous affairs after he and Tea were married. Again, I couldn't confirm. He did confirm frequenting strip clubs (gasp) after he was married. Uhhh, doesn't that go back to lustful feelings? Which I already ok'd.

So far, what the rest of the world is calling sex addiction is just sounding like a guy who was honest. Uuh, his bad? Maybe this is why we have so many guys hiding in basements watching their porn in the dark feeling like freaks. Just sayin.

Let's see what the experts have to say about it......
Sex addiction has been defined as experiencing compulsive sexual thoughts and acts that negatively impact a person's life. The book Synopsis of Psychiatry says sex addicts are unable to control their sexual impulses, from their fantasies to actual behavior.

The physiological disorder has recently been the focus of the media, thanks to celebrities like Tiger Woods, David Duchovny and Eric Bennett -- married men who've been accused of multiple affairs with women.

An estimated 16 million Americans are sex addicts. Just as individuals become hooked on drugs or alcohol, sex becomes a rush a person can't live without. Medical experts are increasingly recognizing it as a disorder. But the most recent version of The American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual, a bible among psychologists, doesn't recognize it.



Well, now it's clear as mud. For the record, The Synopsis of Psychiatry is in it's 10th Edition, it is a broadly used text book, used by students, residents and practitioners alike. It's not some Random House Author of the Week book.

But it's definition of sex addiction made me pause. Isn't all sex really just a matter of what happens when our impulse finally pushes us past the point of the fantasy, the imagined, onward to the act. The definition didn't say that these acts were of a deviant nature. They said there was no chemical reliance. Negatively impacting one's life. well, that means anyone who had an affair for purely sexual reasons can now fall under the sexual addiction category, right? Even if it was only one person and they only slept together 6 times. They acted on an uncontrollable sexual impulse despite it's negative impact on their life.

Shady grounds. Too much ambiguity. More excuses. Are there people out there with serious sexual illnesses. Oh hell yeah! But, generally speaking, those individuals are diagnosed with other mental illnesses as well, OCD, manic depressive disorder, narcissism, the list goes on. Not to mention that we are talking about sexually dysfunctional people, disturbed, as in, child molesters, rapists, those types. Sex addicts, if there is such a thing, are not those guys and gals.

So, I started my day looking like, according to some random computer program, Tea Leoni, and ended it pondering sexual depravity and disorders. I love Fridays.