It's Not Just Me, Right?

Okay, I need some reassurance, here. Well, need is a rather strong word for it. I want some reassurance. No, that sounds wrong, too. I demand someone else bust down the fucking door and acknowledge that you can love your country and still not feel compelled to sit and watch this kind of shit.



First, let me be clear about the video I pulled, it is not the Olympic performance, because the couple watered down their costumes for the Olympics under pressure. Why? Because they were told their costumes might be offensive. No, dipshits, it was your lack of understanding of the people you were supposedly paying tribute to in your dance that was offensive to them. But, anyway, that is not why I posted this.

I am just saying, I am not a fan of the Winter Olympics. They look cold, I hate cold. I don't dislike cold, people. It's not a person, I'm not going to hurt it's feelings or burn in eternal damnation or some stupid shit like that for saying it. I am 100% comfortable in my deep hatred of the cold. I HATE HATE HATE HATE it. The longer it lasts, the more I hate it.

Then, in the middle of a horrible, snowy, nasty winter, NBC hijacks my fucking television with scenes of non-stop ice and snow. Are you kidding me? People are tweeting and emailing and blogging about skating and skiing and curling and hockey, hockey, HOCKEY???!!!!

Sometimes it is on in my house. One morning I was watching the Today show when I was accosted by Carrot Top, no, What. The. Fuck. That was an Olympic Gold Medalist. Oh yes, that damn snowboarder Shaun White, you little Carrot Top looking thing you. It is a good thing you are talented or you would never get laid.



More importantly, I was Facebook bombed by a private message, pointing out that it was patriotic to support our Olympic athletes. They are ice dancing Bitch, not saving children!!!! WTF!! A little perspective, please. Yes, if you are wondering, with many more words, that is what I said to her. Is it nice to hear that the USA hockey team beat Canada, I guess if you are a hockey fan it certainly would be for you. Much like I love to see my boys in blue (UK Wildcats) win their basketball games. Do I think anyone who lives in Kentucky and doesn't follow them throughout the season to be less of a Kentuckian, ummmm, no, because that is fucking stupid, because guess what, not everyone likes basketball. Or sports in general.

For those of you who do enjoy the Olympics, enjoy them while they last, thoroughly. I am happy for you. Please do understand that I am doing the countdown to Jimmy Fallon's return. I miss him. I resent the fuck out of your ski people and skaters and especially those strange curling, ice sweeping fucks who clearly just ran out of sports and decided that was all they had left for taking him away from me. I will be glad when they have stopped coming between me and that funny little beer pong playing man of mine.

Wicked Girls......What Do You Really Think Of Us?

You have seen us...in restaurants, at work, in bars, while shopping. Are you one of us, or do you aspire to be? Do you look at us with disdain, or uncertainty? Are you a man who stands back and wonders, or are you a man who sees us and gets excited, or do we intimidate you? The Wicked stir many emotions. We are not unaware of this. We are merely unconcerned. You are not our focus. Part of the very fiber of what makes us who we are is that fact, you see.

We enjoy life, we live it, typically with exuberance. We are that girl in the restaurant who laughs out loud at her companion. Who smiles at those who pass by and treats her server like a host who has invited them into their home. (the exception being when the service itself is really horrible, even then, ask for a manager, no reason to squabble with servers or talk down to them, seriously, being an asshat is not wicked, it's childish)

We work hard and yet manage to play while we do it. We flirt with your spouse at work, yes, it's true, but it stops at harmless flirtation and he comes home less stressed because of it. You're welcome. We treat the girls who would actually sleep with him like shit, you're also welcome for that. We have standards.

We don't sidle up to a bar and plant ourselves. It's like tying us to a tree in a beautiful rainshower and telling us we can't run and spin through it. Pure torture. We must mingle, meet, talk, dance, move. We aren't necessarily the least bit interested in leaving with anyone other than the people we came in with, we are just social creatures who thrive on interaction. We talk. Do not blame us if your husband/boyfriend is watching us. We probably aren't aware of his presence in the room. We definitely won't be slipping him our number or trying to sneak outside with him. If he approaches us, that is on him, stop blaming womankind for your man's transgressions. 73% of all men do not wear their wedding rings, even when with their spouse. Is your man one? Are you the one who sits quietly by and wishes you could be that bold, grab our arm and tag along, a few trips around (and a few cocktails) and you will find it is a liberating and deliciously fun experience. People love talking about themselves. "Hi" draws out life stories. "What is that drink?" begins 15 minute conversations about a trek after college through Italy. Life is fun as a Wicked girl.

Guys, oh my lovely, dahling men. The ones who love us, fear us and want to conquer us. I do so adore you all. I mean that, each of you for a different reason, of course. The dream being to find that perfect balance of all of those traits wrapped into one man. Preferably a man with the body of Jason Statham, the humor of Jimmy Fallon and the voice Vin Diesel(but maybe give him one of those bloody hot English accents, the dirty ones, not a Prince william kind, a street English accent, oh hell yeah.....yummmmmmmmm)

Wicked girls fascinate you, don't we? It's ok, that slightly out of reach quality is apealling, you can't help it. We are bold and unusually honest, which, ironically, is probably most frightening to those Alpha types out there. Of course, you express your fear in thinly veiled disgust. You claim we are simply not your type(intelligent) or aren't marraige material(have potentially had sex with enough men to know you are NOT as impressive as you think you are)or we are not a high enough rank to be your mate(because somehow your rank is skewed despite your beergut and lack of bank and upward mobility and disparate looks, after all, you imagined this little scale, not to fret girls, I am working on one for us). So yes, Alphas, cower in the corner when the Wicked girls come rolling in, make your excuses as to why we aren't your type, because honestly, we prefer our men to be capable of thinking with both the lower case d and the brain, hold in-depth conversations about history and art and music and philosophy and something tells me your incestuous beating off to your cousins picture distracted you from much studying.(props to Vapid Blonde) Besides, your all about being dominant, how the hell do you dominate a smart, profoundly self aware woman.....let me know when you figure that out and I will try not to laugh at you while you give it a go.

The Betas love us, we will take good care of them. Ugh, I am stopping right there. Enough said.

Which brings us to the ones who want to conquer us....not the "me Tarzan, you Jane" kind of conquer, but the one who spots us in that restaurant or bar and can't stop watching, the one who is fascinated by the boldness, neither afraid nor in need of it. Simply enamored. Enchanted.(my favorite word in the English language, btw) He is a combination of many things. He is smart enough to know you can't catch a Wicked girl, pursuit causes flight. He is adept enough to put himself in our path, often. He is intelligent enough to make us laugh and hold our attention, tell us something no one else in the room would know, maybe even understand(I'm in Kentucky, if it doesn't involve NASCAR or a hunting show, he has an advantage). he is that combination that blends with us and creates a world with us, not for us or inside ours, never around ours, smothering us. For the man who loves a Wicked girl and appreciates her Wicked nature, can handle her blunt nature, can meet it with his own, he is a man not only worthy of our attentions but our loyalty and one who will be loyal to us. Gag if you will, or make faces and laugh and assume that all men are the sad little ego strokers(Zing! Pun, I do so love my puns, why did I even bother with kids??) who need more than one woman, if you must, but, Alphas, need I remind you, you can't handle one wicked girl, so go back to your corner and, well....

Whatever your thoughts on us may be, we respect you and what your choices in life may be. Well, with a few exceptions *ahem*. I respect the sanctity of marraige. I respect the dedication of parenting. I respect the ridiculous hardships people in this nation face everyday because of the ignorance of others, be it due to sex, race, lifestyle, etc. All I am suggesting is, maybe next time you assume we are sluts because we have somehow found ourselves wandering out of a strip club at 4am, stop and ask yourself 2 things,

1) Who the fuck am I to judge since I am out at 4 in the morning too?

2) How does this effect me?

Also, slut is a highly subjective word.....just sayin. ;)

Oh, by the by, off topic but to wrap up tonight's post, but I am not a fan of the Winter Olympics because, well, they look fucking cold!! But, what would make them worse? They have completely taken away my Jimmy fix. Yeah, that's right. Jimmy Fallon withdrawals are worse than trying to kick meth. Well, ok, I don't actually have any way of knowing that, but, I really miss Jimmy. Plus, he hasn't been able to brag about the chocolate vaginas I sent him. *sigh*

You Aren't Prince Honey, Enough With The Pussy Control

Yes, we are going there. Why not? I'm feeling inspired. Actually, by a few different things that I have read and a few different conversations that I have had with quasi-friends lately. I say quasi-friends because it's those people who you aren't really close to, people you would never share anything more than the name of the store where you found the cute bag you're carrying. Yet, for some reason, they feel the need to divulge way too much detail to you.

One in particular told me something that just annoyed the hell out of me. She left the conversation, well, unhappy. My honesty (ie, blunt nature) had not been welcomed. I guess she is more accustomed to the "You go girl" type reactions.

Her: If he doesn't fix it, he's not gonna see this pussy for weeks.
Me: You do realize you aren't the only one left walking around with one of those, right?

*crickets chirping*
So, maybe she didn't realize that? Maybe she thought not having sex with her boyfriend would really teach him? Oh yes, you read that right. BOYFRIEND! Not even married yet and she was going to refuse him sex. Are you fucking kidding me??!!! Even better, the "it" was the dishwasher in her apartment. The apartment that had a full time repairman, but he kind of creeped her out, so she was insisting that her boyfriend work all day, then come over and fix it. Bitch please!!

We long ago established I am not a fan of holding back the sex. I like the sex, why would I punish myself if I am upset with someone else? If I get mad at my boss, I don't suggest he pay me less. Same fucking principle, people. Intimacy is the payoff of a relationship. Sex helps to A:have mind blowing orgasms B:burn calories C:continue the physical attraction (every time you have sex with the same person, you find yourself more attracted to them, unless one of you has disengaged) D:strengthens the intimacy level between you.

Holding sex out as a reward for good behavior, or taking it away as a punishment for perceived bad behavior sends one signal and it is a relationship damaging signal. You don't desire your partner, you merely have sex with them as a favor. If that's really the case, WTF??!!

So, are you with a man who you simply don't desire or are you such a controlling bitch that you are willing to use your body and the foundations of your relationship with the man you love to get what you want? I'm just asking. I mean, I am manipulative and I'm a bitch, but never would I be that kind of cruel, heartless, bitch.

Men and women can be players, some will cheat, some will attempt to control. All of it is a game. A dangerous one. None of it has any place within a relationship. The only games that should take place inside a relationship involve experiments and French maid costumes.

Time for me to go to sleep now.......dream of Jimmy Fallon.......wonder what he thinks of chocolate vaginas.......

Wicked Girls.......We Aren't Your Target Audience

Did you see The Bachelor last night? Do I still have eyes in my head? Then obviously, no one in my home turned on the show where 20 or more desperate fucking women flaunted their bodies on national television, each trying to sleep with the same man, spending a grand total of probably 2 hours with him, then sobbing and declaring their love for him as he picks them off one by one until he narrows it down to the one fortunate(?) enough to be his bride to be, maybe. That's entertainment. Or fucking not. Really, who the hell is watching this??!! No, really, if you, my readers, my beloveds, are watching this, speak up and tell me why, I beseech you. Do they give shoes away during the commercials???

Then we have Wife Swap. I actually have caught entire episodes of this. I admit, guiltily, my need to understand dysfunctional humans (aka hatred of them) pulled me into this show. Wives who insist on not cleaning their homes and letting their children eat entire bottles of ketchup for breakfast being sent into homes where they eat all organic foods and prepare the meals together as a family, running the household like a well oiled and overly structured machine. Everything to extremes. You never like any of them. They are all caricatures of real people. Idiots, extremists, damaging their children, adults who throw tantrums on national tv and in front of their children. All for what? That flash of fame? Moment of glory? Glory? Shoot me now if this is what our world has to look forward to going forward.

Our country saw a vice presidential candidate who just gave a speech using the phrase "hopey changey thing". You know what, Alaska isn't the only place they teach women how to hunt, dumbass. Keep making us look stupid. Every time that bitch opens her mouth our entire sex looks dumber. Why? Because some asshole on the RNC board realized McCain was old and ugly and thought she would balance it out. Fuck! Did nobody breed a relatively young, attractive republican woman with a functioning brain?? WTH??!! As for the note on her hand, whatthefuckever, it probably just said "don't wink at the camera, dipshit!"

Maybe I am being too harsh. Perhaps all of these people are very smart. It has long been a practice by some to pretend they are stupid. Maybe Ms. California really was a brilliant girl, she was just playing to the audience she expected to be watching a beauty pageant. Maybe Sarah Palin is very intelligent, she was just trying to play to the average Republican. (rim shot, sorry, couldn't resist! why do you guys still love me?) Maybe the girls on The Bachelor are very intelligent, smart enough to know they would never get on the show if they let it be known they were smarter than the creators, who are clearly not intelligent enough to come up with a story line, plot or script. Big kudos do go to the girl who was smart enough to just skip the manwhore (nothing but love for my manwhores, mind you) and just start sleeping with the host! As for the Wife Swap people, no, they really are just assholes and idiots bent on fucking up their children and I hate them all.

I have played the seductress. I have played innocent. I have played the naughty girl, oh wait, that one isn't so much of an act. I have taken on many roles in the dance between the sexes. One thing I have simply never been able to stomach is that of the stupid girl. I've seen it done, played to perfection. I have seen it reel guys in over and over again. Each time I sat back and looked at them with one thought clear in my mind. Never, not for one moment, would one of those men hold my interest for five minutes. Men who desire a stupid woman do so for simple reasons. Fear or lack of self esteem. I have a low tolerance for both in my men. I need a man who is neither afraid of me nor uncomfortable with himself. Stupid doesn't suit me. Not on me nor on my men.

But I do like fun. So, I am off to dream of Jimmy Fallon!